Comments on: Salt and Sugar

By: Midwestern Mom

Midwestern Mom — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:18:44 +0000

Nursed my first three children until 3 y. 1 mo., 2 y. 7 mo., and 2 y. 9 mo.— will continue to nurse my youngest (currently 9 months) into “sneakers!”

The older three are loving, sweet-natured, and well-behaved. They have been called “mature” in their early childhood years. I think nursing has something to do with it! I do not allow children to yank up my shirt or demand the breast in public, and have never found this type of “training” to require anything ugly. I taught them to whisper this need politely, and wait until home/later if needed.

Basing your opinion of nursing toddlers on the behavior of one errant three-year-old seems disrespectful of nursing mamas everywhere who manage to live out convictions with grace and dignity.

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:40:06 +0000

I also found the comment about extended nursing to be disappointing. Calling a child who nurses beyond a year spoiled seems to me to be a cultural response rather than coming from any bibilical wisdom. Many cultures practice extended nursing for survival/nutritional needs. I am quite sure none of these mothers consider their children spoiled, even if they can run up and ask to nurse. I am disappointed in such a disparaging remark.

By: Charisse

Charisse — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 03:43:20 +0000

Thank you for this lovely post. I found your website via another (and another and another…). As a new mom to an 8.5-month-old baby boy, I have been reading a lot of books to help me out with the whole parenting-thing. Also I’ve found a lot of wonderful BTDT mothers in the blogosphere (which has really helped out since my own mother is estranged). These blogs help me put things in perspective and remind me to enjoy every day with my baby. So thank you!

By: Kjerste

Kjerste — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:12:17 +0000

Thank you so much for your very timely words of wisdom!

By: Valerie (Kyriosity)

Valerie (Kyriosity) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 05:17:00 +0000

Sarah, I don’t think Mrs. Wilson’s point was to criticize extended nursing, but to comment on rudeness. Sora’s comment (immediately above yours) describes how a mother might practice extended nursing without allowing the child to indulge in the wrong kind of demanding, which is disrespectful to the mother, inconsiderate of others, and not really kind to the child as it fails to train him not to expect everything he wants exactly when he wants it.

By: Sarah V.

Sarah V. — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 21:08:26 +0000

Just found this post via a link from another. I agree with quite a lot of it, though not all. But there is one specific point I wanted to take you up on: the point where you write “when a kid in sneakers can run up to Mom to pull her shirt up for a snack, I think we have exceeded the bounds”.

Um… what’s this ‘we’? If the family is happy doing things that way, where do you (or I, or anyone else) come into it? I find it quite contradictory that you write this immediately before objecting to the idea of criticising another woman because she formula-feeds. If a woman who formula-feeds should have her choice respected and have people back off and not make it their business when it isn’t (with which I totally agree), then shouldn’t the woman who chooses extended nursing have the same respect for her choice?

By: Sora

Sora — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 16:33:36 +0000

There are plenty of children who are both not spoiled and still nursing while learning ABCs and running around in sneakers. But generally no one outside of the immediate family has any idea that this well-behaved child is still nursing (because really, it is none of their business). The child is no longer an infant who cannot wait to be fed and may only nurse at bedtime, just before naptime, quietly behind closed doors at home.

It is very easy for mothers who have well-intentioned ideas about breastfeeding, nurturing, and “attachment parenting” to fall into the trap of offering the breast to an older baby or toddler as a lazy way of not meeting the child’s real needs. Mother is reading a book or an email and doesn’t want to get up to go to the kitchen for a snack or a sippy cup, read a board book for the seventeenth time, or play a game with the demanding toddler. Nursing is the least bothersome way to keep the child quiet / happy / out of trouble. The problem is not that the child is still breastfeeding, but the mother’s attitude toward her child’s needs. These children become the “obnoxious older nurslings” who will be seen tugging and whining in public and giving nursing toddlers a bad name.

Some of my children have happily weaned when they were a little over a year old. One was still nursing at three. Some of my children have been happy to sleep through the night in a crib and be laid down awake for naps. (They are, alas, the ones who will never fall asleep on a lap in church no matter how badly they need too.) One literally needed to be touching me in order to sleep for almost the first year of his life.

I have found that the mothers I know with the most “experience” are the ones who are least adamant about a one-size-fits-all parenting style. Children, even in the same family, are born with different personalities. What worked for baby number one might not do the trick for baby number six. Wise parenting requires flexibility and a willingness to set aside commitment to any particular “method” in favor of “what is working for this particular family at this point in time”.

By: Monica

Monica — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 13:39:09 +0000

This is indeed, as others have stated, a breath of fresh air. With my first child I attended a class that made me feel that if I didn’t get her on a strict three hour cycle throughout the day, then I was raising her “God’s Way.” So with my second child I was determined to do it “right” from the beginning. However, daughter number 2 had colic, and any thoughts of a schedule soon had to be tossed out the window, and I was laden with guilt. With daughter number 3, thankfully I had come to a point that I realized I could go more on instinct and wisdom gained from experience, and she developed her own predictable schedule right from the start and we have been a much happier family. Thank you for reminding mothers that there is much room for liberty in the areas of feeding and sleeping (2 of the most stressful aspects of parenting little ones!) I am so thankful to have found your blog after enjoying your books so much.

By: nancyann

nancyann — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 14:32:41 +0000

Flowermama: No, I wouldn’t say that all children still on the breast at age 3 are necessarily spoiled. But that is the image in my mind when I think of “demand” feeding. The many women in our church community who breast feed are generally weaning their babies from the breast around the time they can start sitting up at the table with the big kids. The only three-year-old I ever saw who was still being nursed was a holy terror, yanking on his mother’s shirt in public and being a very “demanding” child in every way.

By: flowermama

flowermama — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 20:31:37 +0000

I prefer to call it feeding on cue (cue-feeding) rather than feeding on demand (demand-feeding). It puts a more positive spin on it. I used to use that word, but I’ve come to feel that “demand” sounds rather negative. But feeding baby when baby cues that he is hungry (by rooting, chewing on fists, etc.), I think that is crucial.

You wrote:
“But whenever I imagine the alternative described by the word demand, I think of a spoiled child who is still nursing at age three when he should be learning his ABCâ€™s and sitting at the table with a cup.”

I don’t understand what you mean. ? Are you saying that children who are nursing at three are spoiled? I was wondering if you could clarify your statement, please.