Comments on: Smother Love

By: Margaret Sonnemann

Margaret Sonnemann — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 22:34:35 +0000

This topic is tricky to me, so subject to personal interpretation and cultural influences.

Here in Australia, in this post-Christian culture, I have never met a parent that fulfills the above criteria. (though I’m not saying they don’t exist) People here use the term “smother”, with a sneer, to mean ANY supervision (much less “snoopervision”). Very little, if any, protection from evil is the norm. My daughter, now a wife and mother who has served God from an early age, was the only child in our small town that had to wear a coat in the winter whether she liked it or not and wasn’t allowed to watch R-rated movies – to mention only 2 forms of discipline to which she was subjected. There are other forms of child-idolatry and putting them before God. The one I most often come in contact with entails the opposite of smothering: no boundaries whatsoever. In such a culture, I never let my child sleepover anywhere and we have and always have had a great relationship and no regrets that she was so “disadvantaged”.

I find it more helpful to concentrate on positives, like teaching our children to reason Biblically and think God’s thoughts after Him. To work and serve their familiy and community and gradually be given more responsibilities. Thanks, Nancy Ann, there is no advice that can substitute for seeking God’s wisdom. All our situations, definitions and children’s temperaments are unique.

By: JJ

JJ — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:13:58 +0000

Wow. Thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:53:18 +0000

Mothers aren’t the only ones who can smother their children. Fathers do it too and with the added weight of paternal authority it can get nasty.

Elaine, you have my sympathy. My children have a smother-grandfather who is also an angry, angry, and now, sad and lonely, man.

By: Sandra

Sandra — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:30:24 +0000

Thank you for this post. I found exremely helpful and insightful. My only addition, a sort of answer to KCaarin also, would be to point out there are a million ways to unsmother your kid, if you are homeschoolers. Days out or sleepovers with grandparents, sports events where you drop off and leave them there (gasp), opportunities to let them work with friends who own their own businesses (as soon as they are useful young people, about 10 or so), and such. Hope that helps!

By: Jess

Jess — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 11:05:31 +0000

Thankyou for these words! I ended up linking to this with a Blog post that I wrote.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:30:46 +0000

Your “last thing” was very relevant to my own difficult situation. There came a time in our own family several years ago when the decision was made, for the protection of the marriage, and the children, to completely sever all ties with a terribly destructive tongue. When the criticisms of our attempts to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord began to come between a husband and wife, involving discipline and correction of the children, we realized she would destroy us as a couple and as parents while our children had a front row seat to her antics. She resorted to critical letter-writing when she could not interfere face- to- face anymore, all the while claiming to be a Christian woman who “loved” her grandchildren more than their own parents. In truth, she was a smother mother who grew up to become a smother grandmother. The saddest part is how her attempts to “love” her grandchildren in this perverted way began to bleed over into a healthy marriage as she began to attempt to smother her son rather than support him as a Godly husband. Eventually, after years of this behavior, the opportunity she forfeited was the chance to see her grandchildren and enjoy them for the gift they are. She also lost her relationship with her son, and still believes her rights to “parent” her grandchildren override our responsibility before the Lord to train them up to be Godly adults. A most tragic result is that our children are very wary of their grandmother because they sense, even as children, the counterfeit love that smothering love really is. I think of the verse in First John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. Nancy was so right in saying smother love is full of fear.

By: Sarah French

Sarah French — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:36:33 +0000

Tami makes a good observation. Whenever I see The Smother Love Mother (is she related to the Smothers Brothers?) I see older and grown children who, at best feel the need to keep their distance from her, and at worst, disdain and despise her. Smother Love does not get the results it seeks.

By: am

am — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:54:20 +0000

Thank you for the encouragement on this topic. This is something that is frequently on my mind, bringing me to my knees for wisdom. Wisdom to see where I might be smothering, wisdom to know how to stop. You could probably write a whole book on this topic! I’d read it.

By: Kcaarin

Kcaarin — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 08:37:46 +0000

Thank you for the gentle reminder Nancy. It truly IS an exciting adventure!

By: Melissa

Melissa — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 06:24:17 +0000

Wow..I have never even considered this point of view before. Wow.

I am certainly guilty as charged at times.

What also came to mind as I read this was the pressure, at times, to feel less of a mother when I don’t “smother” my children. Like when I don’t panic as my toddler licks the grocery cart handle or when my son wields his pocket knife in an unsafe manner as most 7 years old do at times, or when throws a rock that nearly clips his sister in the head.

While I don’t think you’re advocating not caring or disciplining when needed, I definitely see your point…and I’m going to do some serious praying and pondering about this.

Thank you!