Ideally, yes – “helping him to understand how to love her better.” Certainly, she can have a heart-to-heart talk to him, and hopefully, he’ll listen.

In my own life, I’ve seen the best changes come through lots of prayer, lots of forgiveness / overlooking (in other words, not taking things as personally… calming myself down and asking “did he really mean to hurt me by this or am I overreacting?), and complimenting the things I appreciated directly and in front of others – FB is a great tool for this

“For both of their sakes’ ” – a line I use as needed is the reminder that “we’re both on the same team here.”

Much love from Japan,
Sarah Joy Albrecht

Why is that such a surprise to me? One of my girlfriends says the sooner we realize our husband is NOT our girlfriend, the better! And I recognize that I have been slipping back into old ways of thinking, old ways of needing. Not good, but good to know I can press the restart button and make some changes that will lighten my husband’s load, and refocus my eyes on my supernatural lover.

Good on you for leading us here, and I too will be reading this again and suggesting it to my girlfriends. I’m reminded of a book I read last summer called, ‘Satisfy my Thirsty Soul’ by Linda Dillow… one I must obviously re-read and apply.

Again, thank you.
Love,
Lesley-Anne

BTW, did you know the Desserts is Stressed spelled backwards?

SJA

Prior to my husband’s current job, he traveled frequently. We have five small children (born b/t 2001 & 2006). At the time of his travel, I was very sick. (The day he had confirmation of his position in Japan, my MRI results came back, finally diagnosed a large, necrotic uterine fibroid tumor) For a few years in a row, no matter how much medication or iron supplements I was given, I was anemic and beside myself. After a scary hemorrhage, I pushed to get a new, more diligent doc.

When my husband was home, he often didn’t unpack his suitcase, so as to be ready for the impending trip. There was a lot of tension from constant “changing of the guard” and coping with me being sick and wanting to be held, and my husband being tired and jet-lagged, not wanting to be touched.

Needless to say, I was very sick, weak, and overwhelmed. I was becoming frantic about having my husband home more – I missed him and I was afraid. I worried he enjoyed being on the road more than being at home. The harder I fought to be together, the farther apart we seemed to get. I probably even made it difficult for him to be at home, smothering him, kind of self-fulfilling my fears.

Meanwhile, my younger sister, newly married, was separated from her husband for a YEAR while he was in Iraq.

She called to check in on me one day, while my husband was gone, in the midst of this crazy mess. She asked so sweetly and with such tenderness how I was doing that I just started sobbing on the phone.

I was practically shouting over the bottled hurt – my profound loneliness for my husband, our marriage feeling more and more distant, all the while feeling sick, trying and failing to take care of my responsibilities at home while my husband was on the other side of the world, and being stuck at home because I dare not get too far from the bathroom and a change of clothes – and I just spit it out, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t mention it and possibly hurt her, “How are you so calm when your husband could get SHOT at any moment? What if he NEVER comes home?!”

I had left home at 17 and moved to another state. I missed a good chunk of my younger sister’s life. She was stuck at 13 in my mind, even though I had been to her wedding. So, being as this is the picture I had of her in my mind, always having to protect my “little” sister, even though she was now 24, it pierced my heart when she responded.

“Our husbands are a gift to us,” she said very lovingly with all the strength she could muster. “God is all we need. Husbands are just the little bit of extra love that God gives us. It’s like God is a big feast, where you could be so full if you wanted to be… and husbands are like the special dessert.”

I realized I was relying on my husband to be the “feast” and for God to be the little something extra – the dessert. My portions were off, so to speak.

A feast and desert might sound like a silly metaphor, but it stuck with me, gave me a heart check, and gave me peace. I repented of trusting in my husband for my “all” and not God for my “all in all”.

Incidentally, my sister’s husband is home, safe and sound. They are very happily married. I have my strength and life back after an abdominal myomectomy. My husband’s new job is one where he is home often and we have grown very much in the past year, tension at first from being in the same house together, and falling in love with each other all over again. All these things seemed to fit suddenly together, after the Lord grabbed me by the heart with my sister’s brave words to her big sister.

Yes, women can sometimes understand the needs of other women better than husbands can. Frankly, though, not even the best of girlfriends can meet these needs. Best girlfriends, or even husbands aside, our FEAST must be God. HE must be our all-in-all.

Psalm 73:25-26

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Much love from Japan,
Sarah Joy Albrecht