Comments on: Messing with Manners

By: Mary Ann

Mary Ann — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:28:26 +0000

Ladies,
Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. In the past we have had that type of reception for a couple from the church who married far away. It was a nice oppotunity to bless them and welcome the new spouse into our community.

By: pentamom

pentamom — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:01:35 +0000

And also, even if we come to understand that they had a really good, biblically informed reason for the standard, that doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t be flexible. In this world, there are competing legitimate interests especially when it comes to the little things. I just want to be careful that “trying to live biblically” doesn’t become a license for rejecting everything that came before on the assumption that they weren’t also trying to do that “back then.”

By: pentamom

pentamom — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 16:59:23 +0000

I think one thing to keep in mind is that whenever we go to question a tradition, we shouldn’t assume that the tradition is meaningless and/or worldly before we understand its roots. A lot of these traditions, even within etiquette, were formed from a Christian understanding of things we’re less conscious of. That doesn’t always mean they’re right — our forebears were susceptible to error and wrong emphasis just as we are. But it does mean that even if we can’t immediately see the roots of a standard, we should consider that there might be good reason for it and try to understand it, before we decide that we have a better grasp of biblically informed social expectations than “those people” did.

By: Elly

Elly — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:27:20 +0000

My first baby shower ended up being held at my mother-in-law’s house. We knew about the rule, but the reasoning was that it was a church shower, i.e. it was going to happen anyway, somewhere, and was organized by my prayer group/parish. The organizers just needed a location with a large enough living room within a certain time frame and hers was the only one available or offered for the event. So, though it was at her house, she didn’t “throw it” at all – merely provided the location. I was glad she did, as the only other option at the time was a shower in a room in the church building – it’s been done, but is much less cozy and friendly!

By: Nancy Ann

Nancy Ann — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 16:00:46 +0000

Mary Ann,
A reception for the bride and groom should most definitely be hosted by the parents, unless, of course, the parents live far away. In that case, it is nice for a friend to host a welcoming reception. This happens here when the wedding has been off on the other side of the country somewhere, and since we have lots of college students in our community, when they come back to town, it’s lovely to greet the new couple with a reception. Sometimes a “pounding” is arranged for a couple moving into their first home. This is where everyone brings a pound of something for their fridge or cupboards. It’s a fun variation on the traditional shower.

By: Linda T

Linda T — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:32:55 +0000

Mary Ann,
We’ve had a number of families in our church host receptions after the out-of-town wedding to introduce the new spouse to their friends and church family. A small replica of the cake along with other goodies, some video footage or continuous slide show of the ceremony, and a formal introduction all serve to help the bride and groom feel welcomed in the extended church family. Since the parents/family are the ones who have access to all the wedding stuff, they are the logical ones to host the reception. No mention is made of gifts (unlike shower invitations that tell you where the couple is registered), but folks who want to bring along a gift or card do. Not everyone does. Our culture is far less community oriented than it was fifty years ago, so these new adaptations are helpful, I think.

By: heather torosyan

heather torosyan — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 07:21:50 +0000

I married into the Armenian communtiy in LA. They have taken the American tradition of showers and run with it. They believe that the family should do it. I tried to let people know that in America it isn’t done that way, but they just didn’t care. They also rent restaurants for the events, so really one would have to be an extremely good friend to go to that expense.

By: Nancy Ann

Nancy Ann — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 23:33:00 +0000

Andrea,
This just goes to show that where you grow up makes a difference. When I hear of a close relative hosting a shower, I feel bad and think, “Oh no! Didn’t any of her friends volunteer?”
And, Bean, this shift must have happened in our church community about ten years ago. It was not, as I recall, an organized decision, but a natural adaptation that seemed to make everyone happy. It’s lovely because you can stop by and visit as long as you want and then press on. And women with smallish homes do not feel intimidated about hosting a shower because ladies come and go and spread out. So even if forty ladies show up, they don’t all appear at the same moment. This is helpful!

By: bean

bean — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:56:24 +0000

Oh, and thank you for these posts! Consider this my formal thank you note.

By: bean

bean — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:54:45 +0000

Here is my question, probably sort of unanswerable. What happened that made the feminine culture in your church one to not have it’s feathers ruffled at such drastic, unheard of changes? I’d put a smiley face there, but it really is a serious question. This joyful, thankful sort of free-wheeling is not at all common and I want to do what I can to help it along in our own circle. Women seem to be sometimes quite tied to the way it has been, even when the way it has been (which was certainly wonderful in it’s time) is a major burden on a few…particularly pastor’s or ministry leader’s wives. The open house shower idea is unbelievably appealing to me. It makes me want to jump up and down and cry with joy, honestly. Okay, enough of this rambly comment.