Comments on: Too Close for Comfort

By: Tina

Tina — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 14:22:46 +0000

How does one approach the Father of such a child? We recently had to babysit a young girl (5th grader) in our congregation. My husband does his best to keep his distance, but the girl can be relentless. How do you address the issue in a tactful manner?

By: Nancy Ann

Nancy Ann — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 14:52:33 +0000

EJ,
A man who is a youth pastor should do the work of a pastor. And like a pastor, he should have firewalls established in his work among the women, both married and unmarried. My husband is a minister and he has many unmarried (husbandless) women in the congregation, but he does not become a spiritual husband to them. It is always a benefit for fatherless and husbandless women to be in a congregation where there is godly masculine leadership, but that leadership must stay within the group context and not become a one-on-one relationship. Many a ministry has been ship wrecked on this point through lack of wisdom. My suggestion would be for your husband to direct any needy young women to you or to another woman in the congregation who can do the one-on-one stuff.

By: EJ

EJ — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 22:28:45 +0000

Mrs. Wilson, I really enjoyed reading this post as I have been faced with something similar, as the wife of a youth pastor. My husband is very aware of my thoughts and feelings when I feel that a young youth girl is getting “too close for comfort”. My question though, is, where is the line of being a spiritual father for those orphans? What do you do for the girls that don’t have a father to turn to? Should they be ignored by their youth pastor too, or is he responsible for taking that position? And, where is the line of healthy vs. unhealthy?

By: Lori

Lori — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:17:40 +0000

When I was a newly-wed to a youth pastor, a young girl we had met at some event (not of our church or even our denomination) began to call late at night to ask my husband some urgent theological question. (There is no such thing at 11pm) The first time he was taken aback and gave some sort of answer. It was the first time something of this sort had happened to him. The second time he told her to go ask her dad. And not to call after eight. We never heard from her again. Hopefully her dad did.

By: April K

April K — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 02:51:29 +0000

So true!! Thankfully, I had an awesome dad and never felt temptation to do this. I remember when I was in high school (which was 11 years ago!) there was a girl who was a little too comfortable with one of our teachers. I remember one day she came up behind him and put her arms around his neck and stood there-AND HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. I couldn’t believe it.

By: HELP!!!

HELP!!! — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 21:34:07 +0000

Mrs. Wilson,

Could you write more? Particularly on honoring our dads and how/what are some ways we can cultivate a healthy, respectful, and loving attitude towards our dads? Any good ideas you have and/or household stories are great too.

Thanks,
Help!!!

By: Claire

Claire — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 20:08:11 +0000

So very very true. Thanks for posting this, Nancy!

When I was high school age, I attended several youth groups (my family had not yet seen the light of Reformation). I clearly remember my Dad saying to me, “Honey, you can go to these groups and spend time with your friends, but don’t forget that I am your youth pastor. If you have any problems, you bring them to me….not some 40-year-old adolescent wanna-be.”

I am so thankful for his protection in that area. I was saved from having to submit to men who had no business taking authority over me. This was very helpful to me when I got married. I was already accustomed to submitting to just one man.

By: RLS

RLS — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:53:36 +0000

He needs to be friendly and distant to his female students,

Not just the female students. When I was teaching (I am a man), I had this 14 year old boy who needed me to jump on him with both feet to make him do his work. He followed me around like a puppy dog for the rest of the semester. In that boy’s heart, I had become a father figure, whether I wanted to be or not. With over 50 percent of American school kids in divorced homes or worse, teachers who really care about their students wind up as father and mother figures. I have never been in a high school that didn’t have one or two teachers who didn’t have a group of kids following them around like little ducklings. That teacher has become in loco parentis to that group of kids because their parents aren’t likely to give those kids the needed stability and emotional support. Until the Gospel returns to America, whether it is wise or not, that is just the way it is. If a teacher takes it personally, i.e. his or her ego gets stroked by the attention, they need to find another job. Most teachers try to help their students because no one else is doing it and their spouses understand this. It usually doesn’t take long to learn when a teacher, male or female, has crossed the line. When one considers how many high schools there are and how few cases their are of sexual misconduct, the only reason for this is God’s Mercy on America’s screwed up kids.

By: Lara

Lara — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:32:44 +0000

And Facebook. Facebook makes it all seem much more harmless since it isn’t private. Why, everyone can see what you’ve written and therefore it’s fine to leave cutesy and approving comments to the male teachers/leaders in the young girl’s life. Thank you for this post, Mrs. Wilson. We are always looking for more discussion and guidance in this area as we raise two little girls.

By: JMS

JMS — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 14:25:24 +0000

Nancy, such a needed comment. Thank you. It was all too easy for me to fall into this improper respect in my college years as an unmarried woman. My father, while a godly man, had not yet understood the importance of faithful oversight and I had not yet learned to keep my respect focused on my father. I did not realize how powerful respect can be in the life of a man, even a Christian youth leader, who may not be receiving that respect from his own wife. Even though I was seeking God and desiring to be obedient to Him in all I did, in this matter I was naive and foolish. And the consequences were quite serious. Oh, how we all need wise counsel and if God has not chosen to give it to us from our parents, He can use many others, like you, Nancy. Thank you for sharing these wise words. And may those who read, take heed.