Comments on: Sending Regrets

By: Hannah Tucker

Hannah Tucker — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:22:52 +0000

Mrs. Wilson,
Would you have any advice for kindly saying no to family – say a sibling or cousin – about one’s children getting together with their children because of difference of standards and/or bullying personalities of those children? This is not something I have to deal with yet, as I’m still a single young woman living in my parents’ home, but I suspect I may have to in future, and I have friends who have to deal with such things, and would like to know how to do it graciously, without hurting any more feelings than necessary.
Also, if any of the other commenters on this blog have any experience in this area, I would love to receive wise words for this problem!

By: Helen

Helen — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 03:22:37 +0000

Great post, great comments.

I would like to address sleepovers, which someone mentioned. Years ago, my husband and I made a decision that we would not allow sleepovers. (Exceptions were when out-of-town close friends and family visited, or when we were the travelers.)

We have had many opportunities to revisit the decision, but at one point, in the midst of a tussle following an invitation, husband said that this is a benefit of having a policy: one can refer to it and that’s that. (Sometimes I think a written family constitution would be useful; questions could be answered by reference to the manual!)

I tell the kids that there’s nothing they need to do with their friends that they can’t do during normal waking hours. Further, there are temptations when there is no supervision because the grown-ups have gone to bed.

By: tiffany

tiffany — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:04:09 +0000

Leah- I would (third) the sentiments thus far. I had the exact same concern as you when our oldest was a baby and remarked about it to a friend and his thoughts were that if we were consistently doing our job 51 weeks a year, was 1 week with the grandparents going to undo all of that? And even less so at an hour here and an hour there. When I was little my grandparents spoiled me to the extreme. (Meals were whatever I picked, bedtime was my choice, toys clothes galore, etc) but I learned very young (2ish) that those were things that occurred ONLY at my grandparents house. Period. To not even ask for that sort of treatment when I was at home. And all was well.

As to the friends/party concerns, this is great advice! Thanks!

By: pentamom

pentamom — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:20:48 +0000

Leah, I agree with Sarah, and I’d also add that unless you are going to have your kids spend a LOT of time alone with them, this falls under the “grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandkids and discipline is for all the rest of the time” rule. Of course you don’t want total mayhem or her learning actually bad things, but if your only concern is that they won’t be consistent disciplinarians, I’d suggest that grandparent time just isn’t the time for that. Unless you are entrusting your child to her grandparents day in, day out, you have plenty of time to instill discipline in the normal course of things. A fairly young child soon comes to learn that different people have different “rules,” but at the same time, you can teach her that certain things apply whether or not you are with her. I would suggest that limiting the time they spend in charge of her is far better than disallowing it entirely.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:52:45 +0000

Leah V., I’m going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that you might do more damage to your in-laws by not letting them care for your children than you will to your children by letting them alone with their grandparents. Obviously, I don’t know all the details. If your in-laws are likely to do something truly damaging and horrible while babysitting your toddler for a few hours, then by all means keep them away. But for the sake of their souls and building a relationship in which you can show them the love of Christ, it might be better to trust the Lord by letting them care for your children. I would imagine that it is deeply hurtful to them that they are not allowed to babysit, and that these hurt feelings will be a detriment to your testimony to them.

In saying this, I do not disagree with anything that Mrs. Wilson has already posted. I agree whole-heartedly with her post, and would of course say that your duty to your children comes before your duty to your in laws. I’m merely suggesting that you may be going overboard with protecting your children at the expense of evangelism.

By: RLS

RLS — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 06:59:12 +0000

That was my neighbors when I was a kid

By: RLS

RLS — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 06:53:34 +0000

Another dicey thing to deal with is when your next door neighbors are unbelievers with public school kids that have a lot of friends coming and going. In a nice summer day, the neighbor’s kids are playing their stereos too loud with whatever is on the top 40, your kids can see though the neighbor’s open door whatever movie is playing, etc. When there is no way the kids can totally avoid seeing the neighbors’ lifestyle, how do you keep kids from wanting to join the party?

By: Keri

Keri — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 03:44:45 +0000

I have a follow up question. My husband is the senior pastor of our church and we have an 8yo daughter and a 5yo son. Do you think it’s wise to handle situations in the same way you describe here, or do you feel that creates a slightly different dynamic? I have little problem saying no to invitations I’m not comfortable with- I’m thinking more about your “We have different movie and tv and video game standards, and we didn’t want to put our kids (or yours) on the spot.” Maybe something to address in your next pastor’s wives letter?

By: laura

laura — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 22:51:28 +0000

I always invited myself over for tea, if my children were invited to someone’s home. That gave me a chance to survey the home life. If we were iffy about a slumber party, we would pick up our child at 10 or so. It was embarassing, but the kids put up with it and didn’t complain too much. Staying for the duration of a party as an option is hard work for parents, but it’s great to have no regrets.

By: Dianna

Dianna — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:23:55 +0000

Thank you, again, for your down-to-earth, practical wisdom! It’s so helpful and refreshing! =0)