Once we had a family coming through town who needed a place to hook up their camper for a couple of days. We had never met them, but we arranged for them to park in a friend’s driveway. When they arrived with their four boys, we told them that we had arranged hospitality for them, but they insisted on staying with us. We had a very small house (around 900 square feet) and my parents were visiting. It was one of those moments, and what could we do but say, “Oh, sure.”

Our one tiny bathroom then became shower central while the family took turns getting  showered (they had been on the road a while), and I remember going into the kitchen to pray for grace once I realized I was fixing for dinner for the gang. One of my girls came in from the back yard to tell me that the boys were being pretty rough with her tricycle. I remember explaining to her that they just might be angels, so we had better be nice, but  I could tell that she didn’t buy it.

After doing a quick inventory in the kitchen, I proceeded to make the old stand-by, a very large vat of mac and cheese. And they were the kind of guests who were very grateful and easy to please. (Not like the visitor who once told my mother-in-law that he would rather have spaghetti when she had served him a pork chop. Believe it or not, she fixed him spaghetti, and my children still refer to him as the paragon of rude behavior!)

But back to my story. Despite the rough start, it turned out rather well. The lady had been very lonely for some female company and my mom, bless her, sat down and had a cup of tea with her while I fussed around in the kitchen. Meanwhile, my dad visited with the husband, and the boys stayed occupied in the back yard. We all felt like God had enabled us to provide for these needy people, despite the fact that we were totally unprepared. And we got the surprise blessing.

One of my common blunders that I have tried to overcome is this one: I sweetly offer a guest something to drink, and then I forget all about it and never come through with the goods. Said guest is too polite to mention it, and unless it occurs to me later, they usually go drink-less. Just yesterday, in fact, a friend stopped by and I made a pot of coffee. But we got talking, and it wasn’t until she left that I realized the coffee never got poured! Nice! And to top it off, I had made scones which I never served her with the coffee. Now that’s a record for me. When I called her later to say oops, she had a jolly laugh and confessed that she didn’t even notice! Now that’s a thoughtful guest. And she pointed out that I had two granddaughters on site who were modeling hats for us while we visited. (They were waiting for a tea party with scones which I did not forget.) So she said I was justifiably distracted.

Sometimes I find one of the side dishes in the fridge after the meal.  I’ve left things in the oven too, and the results are not as kind. I’ve made a topping or garnish that never made it onto the dish, and it isn’t until cleanup when I see the little dish of chopped fresh parsley sitting ready for action.

Guest bloopers seem fewer than my hostess bloopers. The worst was a no-show when I had dinner all ready and hot. That was a let down. And a couple of times we have had guests who simply would not speak. I felt so sorry for them, and did all I could to make them feel at ease, but I finally had to resign myself to silent guests. That’s when I was grateful for chatty children.

The lovely thing about hospitality is that it is not a show. It is real life. And in real life things happen. Like when I pulled a lovely big pan full of lasagna out of the oven,  the dish split, and half the lasagna went with it to the floor. Oops.

A bunch of these older traditions and social expectations have morphed and evolved into their present forms, and for good reason. I can remember reading through a old book on etiquette and breathing a sigh of relief that we have moved on from some of those out-dated customs. But we still have many cultural expectations, especially regarding weddings and showers, funerals and anniversaries, graduations and birthdays. Sometimes necessity dictates that we mess with some of the standards of accepted social etiquette.

For example, our congregation is large, and we have lots of growing families. Some years ago we moved away from having the traditional baby and wedding showers because we were faced with a choice: either we would have to exclude most of the women in the congregation from the guest list, or we would have to restructure the shower format. We opted for the latter. And with the growing number of showers, if we wanted to enable the women to attend, we would have to make them shorter events. So we began having open-house showers, and we used the church email to send out the invitations. You have to realize that a normal shower around here will have thirty or more ladies attend. We can’t exactly plan a sit-down luncheon for that many ladies, and with a shower or two every other week or two, most women would not be able to afford the time to attend so many social events. But we wanted to keep up the church-wide celebrations, so we made a change for what we considered to be good reasons.  No one had their feathers ruffled that I know of. In fact, there was a big sigh of relief on all fronts! And they are lovely events, with beautiful spreads of food and piles of gifts. And most of the recipients still send out thank-you notes (not because it is a rule….simply a lovely custom).

Now of course, we do not expect other women in other communities to adopt our method of shower-giving unless it would be helpful to them. We are not trying to change the world; we are merely trying to keep some sanity in our own shower-giving. Is our method of shower-giving an innovation? Yes. Is it sin? No. Might someone wonder what in the world we are doing? Yes.

They may think we are stepping high, wide, and handsome. They may be surprised that we don’t send out stamped invitations, play shower games, and sit in a circle watching the guest of honor open her gifts. Who do we think we are anyway? And it would be easy for us to respond that we are not bound to give showers the way our ancestors did just because. But I don’t think that’s a good answer. We ought to have a good reason if we are going to go messing around with the traditions of  our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers before us.  In this case, I think we did have good reasons, and so we messed.

So let’s bring this around to our current conversation about who should give the shower. If moms and sisters start giving showers for their daughters and sisters, then they ought to have a good reason for doing so. (If women start throwing themselves showers, they had better have a good reason as well!) I’m not sure what that reason might be, but there may be a good one. And though I might flinch if I heard a mother was throwing a shower for her daughter, it most emphatically would not be because I was offended. Rather, I might flinch because I would be worried about the hostess. Oh dear. Does she realize that it might look/seem weird to some people? Does she know this is a bit of a faux pas? Historically taboo for the last hundred years?  But I would happily go to the shower. No problem.

Finally, I have to acknowledge to you all (in case you didn’t know) that I am well into my fifties, and like it or not, age makes a difference. My mom taught me this stuff, and it is in my bones. Many of you readers are much younger than I am, and you’ve never heard of such a thing. Not only do generations make a difference, but where you grew up makes a difference. In fact, it makes a very big difference.  According to Bekah, in England a baby shower is simply not done. Here in the US we shower like crazy. So there you go. That’s where I’m coming from.

Here is a little wedding etiquette blurb I wrote a while back for our church email list. And since it’s almost June and all, I thought I may as well post it up here.

With quite a few weddings filling up the calendar over the next several months, it’s time for a few more etiquette reminders. Courtesy is simply love expressed in tangible ways. A lack of courtesy is a lack of love, whether intentional or not. So think of wedding courtesies as incarnational living. And these courtesies work both ways: guests to the bride and groom, and bride and groom to the guests.

The bride and groom’s families are spending a good amount of time on the guest list. Due to facilities with limited seating, as well as limited budgets, it’s simply impossible for the parents to invite everyone in our Christian community, even if they feel that everyone is near and dear. So don’t take it personally if you are not invited. Don’t ask the bride or groom if you can come……and don’t just assume you can go if you didn’t get an invitation. Students, you are particularly to pay attention to this! You may not invite your friends and roommates to go with you to a wedding unless they were specifically invited. A wedding just isn’t the same thing as a church potluck.

After this sometimes agonizing work, the families then spend a good bit of money on printing and mailing the invitations. So when you receive a wedding invitation in the mail, you should view it as an honor. It is a privilege to be a wedding guest, and with the privilege come some clearly defined responsibilities. Because of that, here are some suggestions on how you can be a good and grateful guest.

When you receive a wedding invitation in the mail, look carefully at the following:

Whose names are on the envelope? Pay close attention to the names written on the envelope of the invitation. Don’t assume your children are invited. If they are invited, their names will be there next to yours. If their names are not on the envelope, well, they are not invited. Bear in mind, if all the children were invited, they could easily fill a hundred or more seats. So don’t be offended if your children are not included. It doesn’t mean they are not loved. But if they are not invited, you may not bring them anyway. If your children are invited, they are invited to participate fully, but it is assumed that they will be well supervised.

Is there an rsvp? That is code for please reply. Sometimes there will be a small return envelope, stamped and addressed for you. All you have to do is fill it out and pop it in the mail. Sometimes the guest is requested to reply via email. The secret here to being a good guest is to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS and do so by the given date. This enables the family to plan well for the number of guests. Do not ask if you can bring friends or relatives who are not on the invitation. And do not bring uninvited guests.

Save the invitation so that you can double check later if you forget the time or place. Then you don’t have to call the bride to ask.

And speaking of what time to ARRIVE………..it is most courteous to arrive at a wedding a good 20 minutes before the scheduled time to begin. It is inconsiderate to arrive at a wedding when the bridal party has begun to line up, or even worse, after the wedding has begun. Remember, extra time is needed to sign a guest book and to be ushered in, so arrive with plenty of time to be seated. If everyone arrives at the last minute, the wedding is delayed. But, horrors, if you do arrive late, wait until an appropriate time to slip in the back. Don’t go barging in, even on the side aisle, while the wedding party is walking down the aisle.

Dress for the men is a tie and coat. Don’t even think about jeans, not even with a dress shirt.

Dress for the ladies is dressy slacks or skirts and dresses. Not a time for being casual.

How long do you stay? It is actually important for the guests to stay until the bride and groom leave, but this can be very difficult if the party is going on too late. This is where the bride and groom can be kind to the guests by keeping the reception a reasonable length (and not leaving the guests with long periods of dead time). If it goes on too long, the only people left to send the couple off will be the bridesmaids and groomsmen.

And gifts. You can either deliver it to the bride’s home before the wedding (or of course at the shower, etc.) or you can bring it to the reception. It’s best not to bring a gift to the wedding ceremony because the family will have to load them up and take them to the reception for you. Tape your card onto the gift so it isn’t lost in the shuffle. And though the newly married couple has an obligation to send thank-you notes in a reasonable amount of time, don’t be too hard on them if it takes a while. A number of people have told me they have never received a thank-you for many of the gifts they have given. With the number of showers/weddings in our congregations, it is really important for the brides to do their duty here. Gift-giving is an investment and commitment. Receiving thanks is not the motivation for giving, but it keeps the gift-givers going. They have spent time and money and effort on purchasing, wrapping, and delivering your gift. You really must say thank you in a timely way.

Dancing. If there is dancing, enjoy it. But don’t use it for a time to show boat your own dancing talents or let your small children cut loose on the dance floor. This is a party for the bride and groom.

Sometimes we use the familiarity we have with one another as an excuse to overlook our responsibilities. We think, “Oh she won’t mind if I come, even though I didn’t rsvp.” Or, “I won’t send a thank-you note. It takes too much time, and I’m sure they know I like the gift.” Nope. These are short cuts that end up being negligence of our God-given duties of charity toward one another.

In 2 Corinthians 9:6-8 Paul says some wonderful and important things that relate to showing hospitality. He says if we sow sparingly, we will reap sparingly; if we sow bountifully, we will reap bountifully. And, by the way, God loves a cheerful giver. He doesn’t want any grumpy sowing. And then in verse 8 he says, “And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.” Notice the use of the word all: all grace, all sufficiency, all things, and every work. Sounds like there are no exceptions. God loves to use the superlative. He will give us all we need to sow bountifully and cheerfully, and He will bless our labors liberally.

In case we didn’t get it, a couple verses later (10-11) we hear it again: “Now may He who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed you have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness, while you are enriched in everything for all liberality, which causes thanksgiving through us to God.”

Did you get that? Not only does He give us seed, He is going to multiply it and double our blessings, so that we have more, so that we can give again, this time more liberally.

Hospitality is one of the ways we can sow seeds of liberality, generosity, fruitfulness, and abundance, all to the glory of God. It is a labor that God loves to bless, and when we see it all with the eye of faith, the blessings multiply, spill over, and abound. No wonder it is such a pleasure to prepare a feast for our families and friends. It is like throwing seeds into fertile ground and watching them burst out of the ground.

I have a lot of affection for Martha. Don’t you?  Had I been in her shoes, with my sister hanging out in the living room while I was madly trying to put on a fabulous feast for who knows how many, my name would be right there in Luke instead of hers. I think I know how she felt, though I am still surprised that she had the nerve to go ask Jesus to do something about it. I think I would have just stewed and scowled and been grumpy in the kitchen, snippy and chilly at everyone until I got my heart right.

For some reason, hospitality is good for us. Elders (bishops) are to lead the way in it (1 Timothy 3:2) and Peter gives a broader command to all Christians to ”use hospitality one to another without grudging” (I Peter 4:9). He tells us that hospitality is going to be hard for us, so he gives us a heads up warning to do it without griping.

Why is hospitality so good for us? And if it is so good, why is it so perilously easy to stumble into sin over it? I haven’t figured this all out yet, but I have a couple of thoughts so far.

I believe, first of all, that hospitality is good for us because it is hands-on, real-life,  experiential Christianity. When you are a host or hostess, you are assuming a role of servant. You are waiting on people, and it is a load of work. Just in case you have forgotten how much work it is, consider this: First you plan a menu and clean the house. You set the table, shop for the groceries, do the cooking, pour the wine, serve the meal, look after everyone before, during, and after the meal, and then you clean up all the mess. And meanwhile, as you are doing all the above things, you are making conversation and getting to know your guests better. So what’s the big deal with that, I ask?

I think that the answer is that hospitality requires self-sacrifice, and we all need lots of practice with that. Self-sacrifice does not come naturally to us. It must be a work of grace or it will result in a spectacular belly flop. If it did not require so much, we would not be tempted to grumble about it. So God wants us doing it a lot so that we will get good at living for others and quit fussing about the work and the mess involved. In other words, hospitality is a means God can use to make us more like Him and less like us.

When you invite strangers, friends, or family to dinner, you are bestowing on them. You are opening up your life and your home and giving them something of yourselves. The temptation comes when you want to be appreciated and don’t think you are, when you think everyone has forgotten what it cost you to put the food on the table.  I think Jesus wants us to forget about ourselves and think about others as we practice  hospitality. And this goes against the grain. That’s why we are tempted to get grumbly.

Our Lord’s response to Martha was kind and gentle. He was unwilling to jump on Mary. Mary was not in the wrong. Maybe if Martha had sweetly asked her sister to help, the story never would have made it into the Gospel story. She was missing the self-sacrifice part and was thinking too much about what it was costing her to serve. She was keeping score. In other words, she was thinking about Martha and not about her guests.

Hospitality is an important way in which we can imitate Christ. Feeding others is a potent way of becoming more like Jesus.  We need more than just a little help in the kitchen. We need grace! Jesus invites us to sit down with Him at His table and feast on Him. He girded Himself and washed the disciples’ feet. He served. He died.  He is the Hospitable One.