First of all, the daughter-in-law does not have the bad reputation that the mother-in-law has. All the trouble seems to be on that end, and though that may be a wicked generalization, we should at least acknowledge that the mother-in-law, being the older party, should be the one to roll out the red carpet and do all in her power to make life easy for her daughter-in-law.

For instance, consider that most all of us who are mothers-in-law are also daughters-in-law. That should give us a terrific advantage since we ought to remember how it felt to be the new one in the family, a family with a different name and background than our own. I had a very comfortable transition into my husband’s family since I knew most them before I ever met him, and I was already quite fond of his mother. But for some of you out there, this may not be the case at all. Expect this to take time. Don’t rush it.

I think there are a few weird expectations put on the daughter-in-law, and one of those is that she should feel the same way about her mother-in-law as she does about her own mother. (And by extension, she should feel the same way toward sister as sister-in-law, etc.) Now that is asking for something that is unnatural. You’ve had your own mother for many years, and your mother-in-law is brand new on the scene. So even if you come to love your mother-in-law dearly, she cannot instantly be in the same league as your dear old mom. Of course there may be circumstances where that comes to pass naturally, and that’s terrific and wonderful. But it should not be the unspoken expectation. If it is, then the daughter-in-law may be feeling a lot of false guilt about her inability to crank up the same emotional attachment that she has for her own mother. I think once a daughter-in-law becomes free from such an expectation, free to not worry about it anymore, she will have an easier time getting to know and like her mother-in-law. But if she is constantly hounded by the feeling that she is falling short, or if she is always striving to keep her affections tallied up equally, her connection to her mother-in-law will necessarily be all tangled up with comparisons. And comparisons are odious, as my own mother-in-law is fond of saying.

Many times a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do become very attached to one another, as in the case of Ruth and Naomi. And of course that is wonderful, a sweet blessing. But the relationship should be able to stand alone, and not be in comparison to the relationship between mother and daughter. Otherwise there is the danger of jealousy and competition on the mother’s part. So you see, there is room enough to sin in just about every direction. In pursuing a good relationship with a new mother-in-law, a daughter should be careful not to slight her own mom. A good and healthy friendship has no room for comparisons or envy or competition. There should be room enough for both mother and mother-in-law without any squabbling.

A daughter-in-law should look to her husband to help her if she is having any trouble navigating this relationship with his mother. She should trust his judgment and follow his lead. He does, after all, know his mom quite well. And he is the one ultimately responsible for the relationship his wife has with his mom. These things take time and we all need to exercise patience. With a little tender care over time, these in-law relationships can become very sweet indeed. If you are starting out with a big deficit, it may take longer for the bonds of love to really take hold. And sometimes it is impossible. If you are in one of those impossible situations, simply take it as it is and press on. You might never be a close friend to your mother-in-law. But you can still pray for opportunities to overcome evil with good. And we serve a God Who delights in doing the impossible.

Psalm 104:15 describes wine as gladdening the heart of man. At His mother’s urging, Jesus made quite a bit of the very best at the wedding at Cana (John 2:3). So it is safe to assume that wine is a given. At the same time, Scripture warns about misusing wine, and so we should be wise about wine. Older women are singled out in Titus 2:3 with a warning against too much wine. I have wondered what it is about the older women that creates a particular vulnerability for wine. I have a friend who suggested a good possibility: perhaps in the days before pain killers for the many aches and pains of old age, older women were tempted to rely a bit too heavily on the benefits of a glass of wine (or two). Wine is a mocker (Prov. 20:1) and “whoever is led astray by it is not wise.” Wine requires wisdom because it is potent.

Proverbs 5:19 addresses the husband and says to always be enraptured or intoxicated with his bride’s love. Married love should be intoxicating. Comparing the marriage bed to grape juice would be weak. You may as well compare it to lemonade. But wine is rich, potent, and intoxicating. Thus, for the Christian to be unacquainted with wine is not a sin, because the Bible does not require wine drinking. But non-drinkers simply have fewer biblical metaphors in their experience.

Well, I’m sure there are many reasons that have never occurred to me, but a couple have. Of course some men might just be lazy bums. So I’m not talking about them right now. But why don’t some of the other men who seem to be quite capable of leadership fail to pick up the reins at home?

I believe this is one of the primary reasons why men don’t lead: because they know full well that if they ever tried to lead, there would be a big show-down, and they are just not up to it. They would rather have relative peace in the home and be accused of being a poor leader than deal with the big fight that would ensue if they ever did try to lead.

Some men know that they should lead their families, but they also know that if they ever tried to initiate something, their wives would be quick to try to steer it, quick to criticize and compare, quick to make “helpful” suggestions, quick to be disappointed. So it is simply not worth the ordeal. And if they succeeded in telling their wives to pipe down, sit down, and be quiet, then they would feel like they were being poor leaders because they were insisting on their own way.

The irony of this situation is neither husband nor wife is happy in it. When the wife pushes her husband to take the reins, he is put in an impossible situation: if he takes them, he is actually following her; if he doesn’t take them, he is being obstinate. And though she is pushing, she hates it when her husband gives in to her. And she hates it even more when he starts leading her in a way that is not what she wanted. In spite of this, what she really wants (though she doesn’t perhaps understand this) is for him to be a rock. She wants a man who will tell her to quit pushing, a man who will love her enough to insist that she pipe down.

My opinion is that many of the women who desperately want masculine leadership in the home would hate it if they got any. So if you are one of those wives who wants your husband to start showing some spiritual leadership, start trying to follow him now. And go along quietly.

The fact of the matter is that a man cannot meet the needs of a woman, because her needs far exceed the capacity of any man to fill. I think it was Walter Trobisch who said, “There’s not a man on earth who can satisfy the heart of a woman.” So women ought to find something more interesting to discuss. This is not anything new.

But the problem persists because women impose a tremendous burden on their husbands, and they naively expect some kind of arrangement where the husband is given to the wife to meet all her emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual needs (whatever all those needs are). What a grave disappointment to find out that her husband was not informed.

Now I am not saying that men do not meet any needs of their wives. Of course they do! But when women look to fallen men to give them purpose and meaning in life, they are looking in the wrong place. It is asking of a finite creature what only the Almighty can do. He created us with all these needs, and only He can really satisfy our soul’s desires. A husband is a source of tremendous comfort, strength, protection, love, and companionship. But our souls need supernatural comfort, strength, protection, love, and companionship. A mere man cannot even comprehend the needs of a woman. In fact, I don’t think women even understand their own hearts and needs.

If you consider the purpose of marriage at the beginning, God created woman because the man had needs. He needed a helper. Woman was created for the man. So as wives consider how they can meet their husbands’ needs for help, it’s funny how their own needs will be met. When we are doing what God has created and called us to do, we actually become what He created us to be. When we give ourselves away, we find ourselves; when we give, we receive; when we empty ourselves, we are filled.

God is the only one who can satisfy all our needs. If we lift the burden of expectation off the creature and place it on the Creator, we will not be disappointed. And our husbands will be mighty relieved.

He has good reasons. He considers it better to marry early than sign chastity vows that might (easily) be broken. He feels the church should spend less time teaching abstinence (though a good thing, as far as it goes), and spend more time preparing young people for marriage at a young age.

Young Christians are often urged to put off marriage for several reasons. One compelling reason is that their parents insist that they be financially independent when they marry, finished with college and employed. That can be a heavy burden, and a long-term engagement is like a sexual pressure cooker. He argues (and I agree) that parents should be willing to help out their married children as much as possible until they get established.

The second reason against marrying young is that though young couples may be in love,  they are immature and inexperienced. Regnerus says that even if that is true, it doesn’t mean they are “intrinsically incompetent at marriage.” Being young and inexperienced may actually be a pro and not a con, for they may be more teachable than the older unmarried folks who have become set in their ways.

The third reason some oppose early marriage is that young people need more time to make a good choice, to find the perfect match. But here he argues that “successful marriages are less about the right personalities than about the right practices.”

Fourth, some think that the young are marrying with a shallow view of marriage, thinking that it is only about “the promise of long-awaited, guilt-free sex.” If so, Regnerus says, “family and freinds ought to do their best to help young couples discern whether there is more to their love than sexual desire.”

The final objection, he says, is that young adults sometimes look to marriage with unrealistic expectations.  But this is why they have to “learn marriage” like they learn about about other things like child-rearing.

We sometimes joke in our congregation that announcing the new engagements is part of our liturgy. We have many young people, and we have many marriages. But that does not mean we don’t need to encourage better thinking about it all. Thus, the plug.

The dictionary definition of submit is simply to yield. But consider this explanation of the word from Jeremiah Burroughs:

“Submitting to God’s disposal — What is that? The word submit signifies nothing else but ‘to send under’. Thus in one who is discontented the heart will be unruly, and would even get above God so far as discontent prevails. But now comes the grace of contentment and sends it under, for to submit is to send under a thing.”

Now I think this is kind of cool. Look at 1 Peter 3 and see just what a submissive spirit can do. First of all, submission is a offensive weapon; it can win over a disobedient husband (vs. 1). Unlike earthly weapons, it is hidden away,  incorruptible, and most important, it is precious in the sight of God (vs. 4).

Secondly, it is a defensive weapon, protecting your own heart from the fear of man (vs. 14), and bringing shame on the revilers who level a charge against you (vs. 16) for righteousness’ sake.

When we gladly submit to God and fear Him (and not man), we are protected by His peace which passes all understanding (Phil 4:7). This enables us to submit to those authorities placed over us without fear.

When a woman is married to a capable man with a keen sense of purpose and a heart obedient to God, she has immense possibilities for security and freedom in her submission to him. Under such loving influence, a Christian woman can thrive both spiritually and emotionally. As he serves God in his calling, she can provide incredible help and support to him. This is the ideal situation.

But what about the women who are married to men who are not interested in leading, who have neither drive nor direction? What can a woman in a marriage like that do?

I believe a woman who is stranded in such a marriage should turn to her duties. Just because he is failing at his duty to lead, does not mean she can make things better by failing at her own God-assigned duty to respect her husband.

Now this can be difficult. It is far easier to point out the failings of her husband than to focus on her own. But, as my husband is fond of saying, you can always make things worse. Let’s try instead to make things better. It makes no sense to join in on the disobeying.

So if a wife in a difficult marriage does her best to fulfill her obligations to God, she is guaranteeing that she will be blessed. God always blesses obedience, and He never blesses disobedience, whatever the justification for it. And when a woman rolls up her sleeves and gets to work on her own duties, she can find a great deal of joy and satisfaction in pleasing God.

One other side benefit to this, besides a clean conscience, is that obedience clears the vision. She may find she has more compassion for her husband. She may see that he has tried many times to show leadership and met with nothing but hindrances, discouragement and criticism. Some men just aren’t up to it. They know that whatever they try to do will only provoke an argument, and they just don’t think it’s worth it. And most men refuse to receive leadership training from their wives.

A man who is consistently respected, treated with courtesy and honor in his home, has far more inspiration to lead his family. He will rise to the occasion most of the time. But I believe many husbands are running on fumes when it comes to the respect they receive from their wives and children. If they had a tank full, their families might see something they’ve never seen before.