Let’s say someone is having a birthday party, and your four-year-old (or six or eight or ten-year-old) is invited. Let’s also say that you know that the home has different standards than yours when it comes to humor, movies, or even the way they speak to one another. Or you may have good reason to think that the kids are not going to be well supervised.  Whatever the reason, you don’t have a good vibe about it, and you know that your four-year-old is not wise enough to navigate his way through the possibilities. All he knows is that there will be cake and lots of it. Or, he may not want to go because the boy whose birthday they are celebrating is a mean kid. Either way, your duty seems clear that you must send your regrets that your child will not make it to the party.  Just say, “No thanks. Johnny won’t be able to make it.” That is what parents are for. Parents are supposed to make decisions on behalf of their little kids.

Your job as a parent is to protect your kids from weird set-ups and situations until such time that they can figure it out for themselves. And there is no sense in sending kids to parties or play-dates they don’t want to go to unless it is something entirely different you are dealing with, like a debilitating shyness or an arrogant unfriendliness or some other issue. But that is not my subject here. From time to time you will have to say “no” to really nice people simply because you feel it is wise to do so. It may have nothing to do with conflicting standards at all, but simply with the fact that you don’t know them well enough to drop your kids off.

“Can your child come play sometime, and when would be convenient?” That sort of invitation requires more social delicacy. If you can’t side-step it, then say you’ll talk about it and get back to her. Maybe you can invite yourself to go along so you can see how things go.

When my kids were little, sometimes I found things out after the fact. For example, I had no idea that the mom was gardening in her bikini while the kids were playing, until she told me that one of my kids had told her she was immodest! You may find out that there is a whole lot of coarse jesting going on at so-in-so’s house, and you file that away for future reference.

It’s good to ask lots of questions, like “What movie are the kids going to watch?” And if  it is not your cup of tea, then you can decline.  When the kids are old enough, you can prime them for different contingencies: “If they want to watch a movie, call us to see if it’s okay.” “If they want to walk downtown, tell them you are not allowed to do that.”

But the point is, we should not take offense when parents say no to our invitations. Parents are supposed to be watching over their children in this way. And if someone asks you a direct question about why your child did not come to their party, you should be prepared to say something like this: “Last time our kids were at your house, they were not comfortable with some of the things that went on.” Or, “We have different movie and tv and video game standards, and we didn’t want to put our kids (or yours) on the spot.”

This is the way it is. Nice Christian people have different standards for their kids, and you do not have to subject your kids to the neighbors’ standards. But it’s still nice to be invited.

This is particularly trying when it comes to courtship.  Sometimes a young woman becomes emotionally attached to a young man, but her parents are saying no way, not him. When the young woman obeys her parents and trusts God, He always blesses her. When a daughter persists in going against her parents, whether openly or on the sly, God  does not bless it. This is simple. This is the way God tells the story. If you want to be blessed, follow His instructions.

In this I am not speaking of older, unmarried women. I do not think that a thirty-something-year-old woman living on her own across the country is still required to render obedience to her parents. Honor, yes, but it would be weird for parents to continue to require obedience of a grown daughter as though she were still in her teens or young twenties. But she should still care very much about what her parents think and how she can honor them.

Though obeying on some points may be hard for a time (denying yourself always is), it is obviously much better to trust God and honor your parents, by faith. And I always have to add one qualifier to cover the hard cases: if  parents were requiring a daughter to do something unlawful or immoral, of course she should disobey them, and  get help in doing so. But most of the things daughters have trouble with are not in this category at all. It is usually something as mundane as clothing, music, makeup, movies, or facebook. If parents are unhappy with their daughter’s choice of clothing, I suggest that the daughter open the door of her closet and say to her parents, “Please take out anything that you disapprove of, and I will get rid of it.”  The same should go with music CD’s and the same should go with friends. A daughter who takes seriously the command to honor and obey her parents will be a daughter who receives rich blessings from the Lord.

Parents make mistakes too, of course. But an obedient daughter will make room for them to see their own. When a daughter is disobeying, her behavior is taking up all the landscape. And then the atmosphere gets charged with hurt feelings, which just makes it all worse. Parents can feel that a daughter is not just disregarding them, but also being disloyal. Obedience cuts through it all, clears the air, and puts life back in focus. A daughter who asks her parents if they might reconsider their decision, but assures them that she will follow through on whatever they want her to do, is a daughter who will win her parents’ hearts over. They are more likely to think about whether they are being too demanding or unreasonable. And as time goes by, many daughters have seen the wisdom in their parents’ decisions and thanked God for the close calls when they obeyed their parents and didn’t wreck their lives!

But what if the parents are being demanding about it? What if they are not being sweet? (I wonder how sweet the daughter is being.) But she can still please God in the situation. She can obey “as unto the Lord”  and pray  something like this, “God I am obeying my parents because You are telling me to, even though I think they are wrong. So I am rendering it to you.”  This kind of obedience happens all the time in offices, in the military, in schools, in churches, in our neighborhoods. If we limited our obedience to only when it was asked for sweetly, we would not be obeying very often. God has established His authorities in the world, fallen as they are. And one of those authorities is parents over their own children. They will be held accountable. And so will their daughters.

But if we had heard that our daughters were taking their lunch in to their (male) teacher’s room to visit over the lunch hour, or seeking out the male teachers after school hours, or writing them notes expressing their great respect, or sending them chatty emails, we would have sounded the alarm. This would have been read by us as a father failure of the first order. As it was, I can very gratefully acknowledge the teachers’ work as first rate, and thank God that our daughters always maintained a friendly respectfulness to these teachers while keeping their distance. They did not hug them, share their troubles with them, ask their advice (except when it regarded an assignment), or leave notes in their boxes. That would be way too close for comfort. For this I thank God, and I am grateful to Doug for being the kind of dad who took care to cover all that fatherly territory with them so that they had no need to look elsewhere for it.

When I hear a young woman extol her male teacher, youth group leader, online teacher, or boss in an overly enthusiastic way, or if I see her following him around, or taking her lunch into his office to visit, or sending him texts, or spending too much time on his facebook, I assume that she is a needy young lady who has a father who is not paying attention to his duties. And I also assume that this man is being very foolish, whatever age he is. And if he is married, it is even worse.

Believe it or not, this is a common problem. A young unmarried woman is hungry for male leadership. If she has a boss or instructor who is providing instruction and leadership by teaching or leading, and a father who isn’t, then it is a perfect set-up for her to begin to render too much respect, and it can be a temptation for the teacher to enjoy it too much. He can be flattered at the attention and provide fatherly attention when he has no business or calling to do so. I have heard of such things happening, believe me. It is not healthy or wise, and it can lead to real troubles. I am not making this stuff up.

Wives whose husbands love to receive this kind of attention from their female students or youth group attendees or employees should make it clear that this is not acceptable. Of course it is possible that some wives are imagining this stuff. I’m speaking here of occasions when it is obvious. In such a case, a wife should be jealous of such attention and let her husband know that she does not think he should be so receptive to this kind of attention. He needs to be friendly and distant to his female students, employees, or youth-groupies.

Fathers who have daughters who are  hanging abound or bragging about how “totally awesome” their male teachers,  bosses, or youth pastors are should take it as a wake-up call. And unmarried daughters ought to be taught to save that kind of respect for their fathers and husbands. If a young lady does not have a father, she should be warned of the hazards of looking in the wrong places for fatherly attention. This world is full of snares and temptations of all kinds, and it is always an advantage to know where your vulnerabilities are.

Here’s the interesting quote I found amongst the tips about how to store the camping gear:

“The American home is changing dramatically. Houses are growing larger, as families grow smaller. Storage space has kept pace with the growing size of the American home, so extra room isn’t the problem, nor is it the solution. In other words, today’s homeowners are replacing people with stuff.”

Now that’s an insightful comment about America. We are having smaller families, buying bigger homes, and filling them with more and more stuff. In fact, there is an entire industry devoted to storage solutions for all our stuff. And if you think about it, a typical modern  magazine for women will  have an article or two on organization, but rarely an article on mothering, though it may have something about how to care for your pet. The modern American is fond of stuff and lots of it.

Stuff may be hard to store, but it’s a whole lot easier to fill a house with stuff than with children. When the stuff gets in the way, you can have a yard sale. In a sense, Americans are mothering their stuff more than they are mothering the kids. They pay for big closets, buy bins of all sizes and shapes, call in consultants to organize the storage room, and add on more rooms to keep all the stuff. One of the common reasons given for not having children is because they are so expensive. But just think how much it costs to provide for all your stuff. You need to buy more stuff for your stuff. It may even cost more than bringing up a child!

Stuff is much easier to deal with than people are. Stuff doesn’t talk back, doesn’t need to be brought up and trained and fed or taught to mind its manners. But it’s a cold comfort in old age. As much as I love storage bins and tidy closets, they all  eventually end up in the land fill (so to speak), while all those messy little fat faces will inhabit eternity.

Just like adults have different metabolisms, kids seem to have different love metabolisms. Some adults can eat vast amounts of food, and they burn off the calories as fast as they eat them,  never gaining a pound. Others can just walk past a picture of a doughnut, and they gain two pounds. In the same way, some kids can get a hug from Mom, and that holds them for the morning while they run out to play in the backyard quite happily. But little sister may need a hug every twenty minutes because she has already burned off the last one. So it just doesn’t work to hand out the affection equally, everyone getting a fair share.

Unfortunately, the ones who have the biggest needs (with the limitless tanks) can become the most demanding, which can make them the least lovable. And if Mom doesn’t just pour on the love anyway, it will only get worse.  Many of the bad habits or bad behavior that little kids develop are the result of insecurity and neediness. If parents would determine to pour on the loving, they may be surprised to see some of the bad behavior or bad attitudes disappear. Kids’ needs  fluctuate as they grow, so their tank size may change just when you thought you had it figured out.

So parents need to ladle in on thick, or dump it on with a snow shovel, or pour it on with a fire hose. Whatever suits you. And just like food nourishes the body, love and attention nourishes their little souls. And fat souls are what we want.

But the truth is, that’s a big fib. Kids need quality time all right, but they need tons and tons and tons of it. They are actually little bottomless pits, hungry for time with Mom all day long. And if they don’t have access to their parents, they will look for attention elsewhere, of course. They’re not dumb.

So while you are gazing at that laundry pile that Bekah so artfully displayed for us (I’m keeping her out of my closets and cupboards), take heart. Your kids need you. There is no substitute; not even Nana. That doesn’t mean that they need you to be gazing into their eyes all day long. But they need to know you are in shouting distance,  that you are listening to them while you are slapping the pb on with the j.  Having you on the premises to cheer for their tricky somersault or to speak to them about how they are talking to their sister is exactly what they need. They eat it up with a spoon. That is quality time. And they need it spread on thick.