It is clear that when two people get married, each and every story is going to be different. As much as we would like to find the button to push or the formula to plug, the whole thing is a mystery, from start to finish. You can see why some cultures and some eras just let the dads settle things by arranging marriages. Makes me shudder! But I know that God can and does use all kinds of means to bring about good ends. I once knew a couple from India who met on their wedding day, and they were very happily married. Even so, not a practice I want to recommend.
But for all you unmarried women out there reading this, especially those of you who do not fit into the “early” category, these posts on early marriage can just be aggravating. I can see why. So here are some suggestions for you in the hope that you do not lose heart.
First off. Marriage is a means, not an end. It is not the only means of glorifying God, but it is one of the common means. But He has other means. So glorify God where you are, in what ever state you are in. That is a tall order and requires diligence. Coasting always Continue reading ‘What about us?’
This seems to be the week of college graduations nation-wide. So many young men and women have received the applause and the diploma and now they are entering the world on the other side of school. Hip, hip, hooray for them! But I know that it can be a little (or a lot) bit unnerving, especially for young women who are not entirely sure what will come next. Should they stay in the old college town and look for a job or go home and move back in with Mom and Dad? Is Mr. Right going to make the move or is he someone else’s Mr. Right after all? These questions bring with them lots of uncertainty and more questions.
I wish all young women at this point could have the benefit of the kind of advice I received from my future father-in-law. He sidled into the little Christian bookstore on the campus where I was volunteering, and he asked me what I was going to do when I graduated. Hmmmm. Good question. I was dusting around for a job that would involve travel. So he told me, quite emphatically, that I had three choices. (Nice.) First, he said, I could teach. No, I told him, I did not want to teach. In fact, I had steadfastly avoided taking any ed courses. Okay, he said, my second choice was marriage. Thanks, but no one on the horizon. Third, then, he told me I could go on InterVarsity staff. So, to make a longer story short, that is what I did. As I look back on this little chat, I see now what a comfort it was to have someone older and wiser give me some direction. It was very kind of him, and Continue reading ‘So you’ve graduated from college.’
So you want to be in a courtship, but there is no one around who is interesting and/or interested. What can be done about this? If I had the answer to that question, and if I could sell it in a package, I would be rich. (Which is why dating services are big business.)
Though I can’t offer such a product, I can offer a few suggestions which I hope will be helpful to you. The first thing is to keep your perspective on marriage realistic and biblical. In your thinking, do not let marriage become an end rather than a means. Marriage is a means of glorifying God, not an end in itself. Determine to use your unmarried state as a means of glorifying God as well, and don’t allow marriage to become something other than what it is in the created order. In other words, don’t let it become an idol, something that has way too much importance to you, so that you believe you are only half a person or that you are being held back spiritually because of your unmarried state. This is another way Continue reading ‘Unmarried and Fruitful’
I know, no one asked for this, but spring is in the air and courtships are blossoming all around. So, here’s a little motherly advice for the young ladies. Two things. And I’ll keep them brief.
One: Don’t be too easily impressed. Make sure you admire this man’s character. It’s not enough to think he is handsome and charming. Is he a man of integrity? Is he a man after God’s own heart?
Two: Guard your heart. Some courtships advance all the way to the altar. Some don’t. Keep your heart at the same level as the commitment. Don’t let your heart race ahead.
Recently I asked a room full of college-aged women how many of them would describe themselves as indecisive, and a good majority of them raised their hands. Whether it is choosing an item from a menu, picking what to wear, or choosing a film to watch, many women have trouble making a decision. And if a woman has trouble with the little questions, imagine the quagmire she can get into when it comes to big questions, like whether to move, which college to attend, which job to take, or whether to say yes to the nice young man who is interested in her.
Indecision is simply a manifestation of insecurity, and women like to feel secure. Women want approval and affirmation, and they worry that their decision may be wrong, like getting the incorrect answer on a test. Woman was created to be covered and protected, and when she is the all alone, bearing the responsibility of all her own decisions, she can feel very vulnerable and unsure of herself. This means faith is necessary, faith that God will guide, direct, protect, and oversee everything. That is one reason why good doctrine is a sweet comfort. Continue reading ‘The Quagmire of Indecision’
One of the big blessings of courtship versus recreational dating is that the two people involved view the whole process as something serious. But it still isn’t simple. It is still a mystery how it all works. Wise Solomon himself said there were three things (even four) that he couldn’t understand, and one of those was the way a man behaves when he goes a courtin’. But even if it is puzzling, a young woman can benefit by remembering her grammar lessons of old.
First of all, it is the man who is doing the courting. The woman in question is just minding her own business when along comes a man who wants to court her. She is the direct object here, not the subject. (John is courting Sue. Sue is not courting John.) The woman is being courted. His purpose is to win her, and by agreeing to enter into a courtship, she is saying in so many words that she is willing to receive his attentions. She is agreeing to let him try to win her. Whether or not he will succeed still remains to be seen.
So, a woman does not need to describe her own condition as one of “courting.” She is being courted; she has a suitor. If she finds him to her liking, she may be pleased that he is continuing to show her attention. But if she does not, it is no shame for her to end the courtship. That is her prerogative. At the same time, she should not view his attentions as simply a recreational activity. He has stuck his neck out, and she should honor him for doing so.
You may wonder why I am fussing over such a grammatical error, but I think it is a significant one. If a woman believes that she has to have the same level of commitment entering into a courtship that the man does, she is bound to feel a little worried. He has obviously been thinking about this, praying about it, and then goes and sticks his neck out by asking. It may or may not have ever occurred to her to be interested in him. So it may take her a bit to get up to speed. She may know from the getgo that she is not nor can she be interested. Or, she may think he is worth considering. She does not need to know that she will marry him in order to agree to a courtship. All she needs to know is that she likes him well enough to receive his attentions.
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