In this little post I’m not undertaking to explore all the things that can go wrong in a courtship. I’m simply going to make a few observations here about one kind of woman, and that’s the woman who wants to be married, but doesn’t really. When a fine young man shows an interest in this kind of woman, she finds all sorts of things to be roadblocks. And so she either says no, or it ends up being one of those rocky courtships that starts and stops and starts and stops, etc.

As I said above, who can understand these things?  But here are a couple of thoughts about what might be going on in her head.

1. Wanting to be married is more desirable than actually being married. In the wanting, a woman can sketch out any number of delightful scenes in her mind. But in reality, he doesn’t wear knee-high riding boots and own a large estate. So she recoils from the thought of marrying him.

2. Marriage requires a kind of death. Though this is required for both husband and wife, the wife dies in a unique way. She takes a new name, and she has a new calling. This is what scares some women off, despite their desire for marriage and children.

3. Some women have a higher estimation of their own attractiveness and desirability than is actually true. This may not be a conscious thing, but nevertheless, they think anything less than a crowned prince would be throwing themselves away. This woman says no to someone for being  ”out of her league” (assuming he is beneath her) when he actually is “out of her league” because he is way ahead of her. This muddleheadedness can come from identifying  far too much with Emma and nothing less than a Mr. Knightley will do. (At the same time, I’m not suggesting anyone be like Charlotte in Pride and Prejudice and settle for a Mr. Collins, just to be married!)

4. Another snare lies in the whole concept of falling in love. Hollywood is not a trustworthy instructor in how to conduct a relationship. Yet many of our assumptions about love come from Cinderella and all her descendents. A woman is required to respect her man. I’m convinced that if she does, and if he is treating her like a good man should, she will fall in love with him, though perhaps not on the first date. This is particularly true when a man is behaving himself, keeping his hands to himself, and honoring her and her parents. A woman is aroused by touch, not just by sight, no matter what the world says. So part of protecting her is holding back until there is a covenant. In this matter a woman has to proceed by faith, trusting that if this is the right kind of man, God will also bring all the right kind of emotions once the romance really begins. The world gets physical first; a Christian saves that for later.

5. Marriage is a lot of work. It is a means to an end, not an end in itself. It is a means of glorifying God. Living with someone else, who is not at all like you, requires sacrifice. Bearing children requires tremendous sacrifice. Some women are quite happy by themselves, not having to take someone else into account in everything they do. So no matter how godly he is, a woman may shrink back from letting go. She knows that marriage means someone else will have the final say. That’s why it is of the utmost importance that a woman consider his character. If he is a godly man, and if she respects him highly, then she can trust God to lead her through him.

6. Finally, I must conclude with this. A woman is free to marry whomever she likes, so long as it is in the Lord. If he is a Christian, a woman is free to marry him. Or not. She doesn’t have to have lofty reasons for saying no. She can say no because she doesn’t like his nose or his taste in music. She is a free woman. But she ought to at least consider some of these things I’ve mentioned, in case she is exercising her freedom in a way even she would say is contradictory: “He’s everything I want, and yet I don’t want.”

Many women ask me about the wisdom of pursuing a career since they don’t see marriage in the immediate future. Maybe you can go to lunch with someone like Bessie to help you sort it out. Meanwhile, let me suggest a few general principles to help you think about your options.

First of all, what are your gifts, opportunities, and desires? If you have a desire to pursue nursing, and you have the opportunity, then by all means go through the door that the Lord seems to be opening for you. If you can do this without putting yourself behind the eight-ball financially, then God bless you. When it comes to medical school, which is a much bigger and more difficult commitment, I would advise more caution because of the heavy financial obligations involved, as well as the serious time commitment. If you are in your last year of med school and you meet someone you want to marry, how will you feel about leaving med school? What about all the debt? The temptation will be to finish med school since you have already gotten this far.

Whatever career you decide to pursue, you should be willing in principle to drop it if the right man comes along. Remember, the biblical picture is for you to be a helper to your husband, not the other way around. But if you pursue a career that does not require such a heavy investment of time and money, you may find it much easier to drop everything when a husband comes along. And sometimes, depending on your circumstances, you may not need to drop it right off the bat. So consider these things as you invest yourself in a career. When it comes to law school or med school, it may be very tough to walk away. However, if you believe you could, then go ahead, keeping an open hand before the Lord.

But consider where this will take you. Will you be in a community where you can be a member in a faithful church? You don’t want to head off to the wilderness (spiritually speaking) for several years. If you want to be married, then you should want to be in a community where there is a possibility of meeting someone like-minded. My dad always told me that distance adds intrigue. But once you get there, there you are.

The other thing to think about is what kind of career it is. Is it consistent with a godly femininity? If so, that will rule out becoming a cop, a  road construction worker, a race car driver, a football coach, a bouncer, or a combat  officer (to mention a few). There is no reason on earth for a Christian woman to pursue such things. God has given women many gifts, talents, and abilities, so use them, and leave the men to use theirs. I realize there are many career choices that are neither masculine or feminine, but our society wants to (and has succeeded in) blurring the edges in many of the ones that are necessarily masculine. Christian women want to think clearly about such things and grow more feminine, not less,  as a result of their career choices.

But for all you unmarried women out there reading this, especially those of you who do not fit into the “early” category, these posts on early marriage can just be aggravating. I can see why. So here are some suggestions for you in the hope that you do not lose heart.

First off. Marriage is a means, not an end. It is not the only means of glorifying God, but it is one of the common means. But He has other means. So glorify God where you are, in what ever state you are in. That is a tall order and requires diligence. Coasting always takes you downstream.

Second. Whatever it is you are doing, whether it is endless college degrees or working in an office, don’t be restless. Contentment is a work of grace on the inside, and moving or changing jobs will not fix it. You may be exactly where you are supposed to be, so don’t get antsy. But if you have good reason to press on, then consider it. The important thing is to flourish where you are. See that your soul is prospering, wherever you are. And if it isn’t, then consider what is causing the impoverishment. Is it an internal problem? If so, you will just take it with you. If it is an external problem, perhaps the solution is to change your position or take a new job. Find a church that will provide nourishment and fatten you up.

On the other hand: You may need to push your comfort zone a little and get out and meet some new people. (And I don’t mean at the bars.)  Go to a conference. Visit friends. Don’t hide out. Don’t get in a rut. Change things up a bit. A new hairdo? An updated wardrobe? Losing some weight? Consider whether these things might be spiritually healthy improvements.

Unmarried women ought to enjoy domesticity as much as the married women do. Embrace your femininity. Push yourself a little more. Take a cooking class or learn to sew. Redecorate. Paint. Throw a party. Make friends with little people and old people. Don’t retreat or minimize the impact you can have on your community. Give yourself away everyday, and God will continue to fill and refill your capacity to do it all over again.

And as you pray for marriage, ask God to shape your ideas about marriage. We all have much chaff mixed in among the wheat. Learn to think about marriage in a Christian way, and jettison those worldly ideas that have taken root.

All this to say: God did not forget about you. You did not slip through the cracks. He has planned good things for you, and He will never leave you or forsake you.

I wish all young women at this point could have the benefit of the kind of advice I received from my future father-in-law. He sidled into the little Christian bookstore on the campus where I was volunteering, and he asked me what I was going to do when I graduated. Hmmmm. Good question. I was dusting around for a job that would involve travel. So he told me, quite emphatically, that I had three choices. (Nice.) First, he said, I could teach. No, I told him, I did not want to teach. In fact, I had steadfastly avoided taking any ed courses. Okay, he said, my second choice was  marriage. Thanks, but no one on the horizon. Third, then, he told me I could go on InterVarsity staff. So, to make a longer story short, that is what I did. As I look back on this little chat, I see now what a comfort it was to have someone older and wiser give me some direction. It was very kind of him, and what was for him just a little chat with a college student, was a life-changing conversation for me.

Now here are some suggestions for you young women who have finished your college education, and who do not necessarily want to pursue a full-fledged career, but you do want to find a fruitful calling, though you are not sure yet what that is. Since I can’t give you three choices like my father-in-law gave me, I can give you a couple of principles to help you sort out your choices. (And you might consider having a chat with someone like my father-in-law!)

What are your gifts? And what are your opportunities? For example, do you love teaching Latin? Okay, so what opportunities are available for you to teach Latin? Once you narrow that down, then you can make some choices. Don’t take a job where you will have no Christian fellowship. Find a church first, and then look for a job in the area. Many modern Christians do this backwards: they find a job and then look for a church. And sometimes they can’t find one, but they stay for the job. Longterm this will be unhealthy and unwise. Plug into a healthy church first thing, and if you cannot find a job in that area, then find another healthy church and look in that community for a job. Sooner or later things should line up.

If you have the opportunity to live with your parents, and you want to live with your parents, this can be ideal. Both our daughters lived at home until they were married, and it was a wonderful arrangement. Daughter #1 was married during college, so she moved out from our home into her own home. Daughter #2 lived at home for a year after she graduated from college. She used her gifts and we paid the bills. That’s what we wanted her to do, and she flourished that year. If her husband had not shown up that next year, I imagine she would have eventually moved out on her own, but it never came to that. Both daughters have continued to be fruitful in many ways since they have been married, but it didn’t begin at their wedding. They were fruitful in college and out. Since college they have done many things. Daughter #1 has started a children’s clothing line (of course you know all about Amoretti) and Daughter #2 opened a shop here in town (kitchen, home decor, flowers) until her twins made it clear she needed to move all her creativity home.

During the post-college, pre-marriage years, daughters should appreciate and enjoy the protection and support of their parents if they are blessed to have the kind of parents who take this responsibility seriously.  And I believe parents who want to fulfill this responsibility can do so whether their daughter is living at home or not.

So anyway. You’ve graduated. Don’t panic. Relax. Enjoy the change of pace. Look for the kind of job that will be an opportunity for you to be fruitful, rather than a job that will simply fill your days. God is good. He has good plans for you. Don’t worry about the next ten years. Remember what Jesus said about that. Don’t borrow trouble.

The biggest hurdle may be coming up with a zippy answer to all the questions people ask you about your future plans. Some women come up with an impressive answer that is totally unrelated to what they are actually interested in doing. But it sounds good. The other option is to do what my daughter eventually decided to do. When people asked her what she wanted to do after college, she would tell them she wanted to be a shepherd. I know, I know. It sounds sarcastic, but she meant it with good humor. And now, with four little kids ages four and under, her wish has come true!

Finally, my husband has said that when the first settlers arrived on our shores, there was lots of work to do, but no jobs. Think about this. Maybe you are the kind of person who can start working on your own and create a niche for yourself. You may be able to do what you love and have people pay you to do it.

Obviously, all this calls for prayer and patience. Meanwhile, congratulations! Way to go! You have an education, which is something that will equip you for many things yet unknown. Keep learning and keep moving forward. God has begun this good work in you and He has promised to finish it.

Though I can’t offer such a product, I can offer a few suggestions which I hope will be helpful to you. The first thing is to keep your perspective on marriage realistic and biblical. In your thinking, do not let marriage become an end rather than a means. Marriage is a means of glorifying God, not an end in itself. Determine to use your unmarried state as a means of glorifying God as well, and don’t allow marriage to become something other than what it is in the created order. In other words, don’t let it become an idol, something that has way too much importance to you, so that you believe you are only half a person or that you are being held back spiritually because of your unmarried state. This is another way of saying, determine to be a contented Christian woman while you are unmarried. Marriage is not a secret society for the more spiritual; it is not an achievement or a trophy.

At the same time (and this is like learning to juggle), marriage is one of God’s good gifts and it follows that we should desire His good gifts. So desire all you want, but keep those desires in line. Burroughs explains in his book on contentment that we think we can get contentment by adding (if God added marriage, then I would be content). But he says that rather we get it by subtracting: we get our desires down to our circumstances rather than trying to get our circumstances up to our desires. So while praying for marriage, cultivate a true satisfaction with God’s will in your life. Submit to His purpose and plan, whatever that is, with joy and thanksgiving. He will bless this attitude and it is good practice for life. We all know of discontent married women, and I believe it would have helped them tremendously if they had learned contentment before they entered the married state.

What kind of man do you want to marry? A good question to follow this one is, what kind of woman would that kind of man want to marry? Are you that kind of woman? What can you do to become that kind of woman? These are helpful questions to process.

Next piece of advice: be fruitful. Whatever God has called you to do right now, do it eagerly and with thanksgiving. Look around and find ways to be productive; don’t be waiting around for the next thing. Get out and about. Look for opportunities and use your gifts. Cultivate your gifts. Learn some new things. Get to know all kinds of people in the community, and don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone. If some friends want to introduce you to “someone,” don’t be shy. But don’t be overpowered and manipulated either.

And finally, though I know there is much more to be said on this subject, remind yourself that God is good. He is not punishing you. He is not like that, so do not malign His character by thinking such things. He has good planned for you and not evil. Trust Him with your life. Serve Him with all you have. He will never leave you or forsake you, in marriage or out. So believe Him. That is what faith does.

One: Don’t be too easily impressed. Make sure you admire this man’s character. It’s not enough to think he is handsome and charming. Is he a man of integrity? Is he a man after God’s own heart?

Two: Guard your heart. Some courtships advance all the way to the altar. Some don’t. Keep your heart at the same level as the commitment. Don’t let your heart race ahead.

Indecision is simply a manifestation of insecurity, and women like to feel secure. Women want approval and affirmation, and they worry that their decision may be wrong, like getting the incorrect answer on a test. Woman was created to be covered and protected, and when she is the all alone, bearing the responsibility of all her own decisions, she can feel very vulnerable and unsure of herself. This means faith is necessary, faith that God will guide, direct, protect, and oversee everything. That is one reason why good doctrine is a sweet comfort. 

Now some women handle this without difficulty. They may be the decisive types who don’t second-guess themselves because they were either born that way or trained by their parents to be confident and secure. Or they may have a strong father and mother who will help guide and direct them, giving wise counsel and continuing to take responsibility, even if they are living apart. But even with great parents, a girl has to learn to make many decisions by herself, even at a very young age. Being indecisive can be a set up to be led astray (by following someone who is decisive); it can be a hindrance to growth and maturity (by refusing to take responsibility);  and it can be a nuisance to others (Why can’t you make up your mind?).

(And as an aside here, parents need to teach their children to be able to make decisions. If your daughter at age six cannot choose between the pink backpack or the orange one, it may be a wake-up call that it is time to start training her in this area. The goal is to equip our daughters to make wise decisions and not fret over them once they are made.)

At the bottom of indecision is worry: What if I choose the wrong thing? So dealing with worry may be the best place to start.  “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5). So pray about a decision first. Are there any biblical principles involved? If so, what are they? Consider your opportunities and your desires. Get more details if necessary. Don’t give way to pressure to make a hasty decision (“We are leaving in five minutes to go to the North Pole. Do you want to come?”) When in doubt, throw it out. But after you have made a decision prayerfully, then trust the Lord, be quiet and let your heart rest. Don’t fuss and fret over whether it was the right decision or not. An indecisive person can do that no matter which way they take: Maybe I should’ve…. maybe I shouldn’t have…..

Identify your own temptations. If you are indecisive, begin to look for opportunities to make a decision wisely and promptly. Pray before you go to the restaurant or before you go shopping (your friends will be grateful). Then make a decision. If you don’t like the fish and chips, then next time you can order the fajita. It’s not earth shattering. If you buy the purple luggage and later regret it, then take heart that it will eventually wear out. Take responsibility for your decisions and learn to stop worrying over them. Wrap up each decision with gratitude and press on.

These little insecurities hold us back and keep us from becoming the women God has designed us to be. So let go of these troubling thoughts about decision making and step out in faith. God will bless you in it.

First of all, it is the man who is doing the courting. The woman in question is just minding her own business when along comes a man who wants to court her. She is the direct object here, not the subject. (John is courting Sue. Sue is not courting John.) The woman is being courted. His purpose is to win her, and by agreeing to enter into a courtship, she is saying in so many words that she is willing to receive his attentions. She is agreeing to let him try to win her. Whether or not he will succeed still remains to be seen.

So, a woman does not need to describe her own condition as one of “courting.” She is being courted; she has a suitor. If she finds him to her liking, she may be pleased that he is continuing to show her attention. But if she does not, it is no shame for her to end the courtship. That is her prerogative. At the same time, she should not view his attentions as simply a recreational activity. He has stuck his neck out, and she should honor him for doing so.

You may wonder why I am fussing over such a grammatical error, but I think it is a significant one. If a woman believes that she has to have the same level of commitment entering into a courtship that the man does, she is bound to feel a little worried. He has obviously been thinking about this, praying about it, and then goes and sticks his neck out by asking. It may or may not have ever occurred to her to be interested in him. So it may take her a bit to get up to speed. She may know from the getgo that she is not nor can she be interested. Or, she may think he is worth considering. She does not need to know that she will marry him in order to agree to a courtship. All she needs to know is that she likes him well enough to receive his attentions.

Parents may have standards for their daughters when they are living at home, things like curfew, dating or not dating, movies, music, etc. But these have to be internalized in order for them to do any real long-lasting good.

Titus 2:11-12 says, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age…” I like the way the NIV renders this passage. It’s something like “teaching us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly lusts…”

Young women in particular need very much to learn to say, “No.” It does not come naturally to most young women because they are usually way too worried about hurting feelings or being rude. Somewhere along the way, women developed a fear of being rude, even if it means being on the receiving end of quite a bit of rude conduct from men. It may start out innocently enough. For example, a young man asks a young woman out on a date. Now he has not done anything deserving of condemnation for that. It’s a free country, and the operating assumption of most young men is that they are supposed to pursue the opposite sex. But let’s say that she is horrified at the idea of being with him, but more horrified at hurting his feelings, so she says, “Sure.” Then she has an uncomfortable evening, going somewhere she does not want to go with someone she does not want to be with. When it is all over she sighs with relief, and after enough of these dreadful experiences, she begins to learn to say something like, “I’m sorry, I’m busy.” But then he calls back another time, and she is forced to deal with it all over again. This pretty much sums up the typical American system of dating.

Having standards in place for such things keeps life simple. When a man asks a woman out and she doesn’t want to go, she should say something like, “No, thanks.” It’s not that hard. I have encouraged young women to practice in front of the mirror. Just start with the N sound and then add the O sound when you get good at it. It is a wonderfully liberating thing for a woman to be able to look someone in the eye and very simply, clearly, audibly say, “No.”

I remember when I first began to try this technique (after years of frustration, complication, and regret). A young man asked me if I would like to go to the rodeo with him. I said, “No, thanks.” He said something like, “Don’t you like rodeos?” which was an unfair and impolite question. He should have just taken my answer with dignity and grace and moved on. But no, he had to pry. So I said something like, “No, I have nothing against rodeos. I’m just not interested in dating you.” Much to my surprise, the earth continued to rotate. He did not fall down dead or anything, He just said, “Oh. Thanks for telling me.” End of trouble.

Now if young women can manage such a feat as that, it will keep them out of many uncomfortable circumstances. Maybe the relationship is in the context of courtship, the young man is speaking to Dad, and everything is going smoothly. Dad is doing the dirty work, which is as it should be. But what if the young man who has gotten past Dad gets a little pushy physically, and she doesn’t know how to say, “No”? Or he wants her to lie to her parents about being late, or takes her to a party where people are drinking too much. What will she do in these cases if she has not learned how to say the big “No” word?

Girls should be learning this from day one. It can be a movie at a friend’s house that she’s not comfortable with or having some guys come by her apartment late in the evening and wanting to come in for some fellowship. It can even be learning to say, “No thanks” to a babysitting job that she just doesn’t want. The first thing is to get over false guilt that comes in the guise of supposed “rudeness”; and next it is having standards that are clearly in place. If a daughter can’t say no to a babysitting job she doesn’t want, how will she stand up to friends who want her to do something bad?

Denying ungodliness and worldly lusts is something that the grace of God teaches us how to do. It is not something that women are naturally good at. It is not simply a matter of writing up some rules. It takes courage and faith to say NO to ungodliness. But God’s grace teaches us. We have to be listening. We must want to learn to do this, to internalize the biblical basis for our standards, so that we understand them to be wise.

So, what kind of standards do women need to live by? You need standards about what you think.What you say.What you listen to.What you will read and watch.What you will laugh at. How you dress. What makeup and jewelry you wear. How you drive. How you walk down the street. What you will post on myspace. Who you will receive phone calls, email, or instant messages from.The kind of people you will befriend. The kind of parties you will attend. The kind of gifts you will receive.The kind of men you will spend time with and where you will spend that time.

In other words, God’s grace is needed to instruct in every area where ungodliness and worldliness are threats, and that is just about everywhere.