“Oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand”  (Psalm 95:6).

As we walk through the rooms in the church, let’s consider our duties in each room as well as the unwanted guests who may sometimes barge in. First before we get into the church proper, we have to park the car. So let’s start in the parking lot. Even here we have to compose our hearts and not get annoyed that someone took our favorite spot. Envy, competition, and criticism are the unwanted guests in every room, but they can even show up here in the parking lot as you see who’s late, who’s early, or whose family is in or out of order. Leave those unwanted guests outside.

Most churches have a foyer, and if you are a church member, you share “ownership” which means you share in the hostess duties at church.  Even if you are not the official “greeter,” you can still welcome people and introduce yourself to the visitors. The unwanted guests her are shyness, rudeness, or thinking someone else will do it. If we are going to live for others, that means pushing through, especially if it gets us out of our “comfort zone.” Extend yourself to others. It’s much better for you to feel awkward than for the visitors feel awkward. Make it your mission to put them at ease.

The pastor’s office/study is probably not on your route Sunday morning, but let’s just visit it briefly here. Consider your pastor. Have you prayed for him this week? Are you praying regularly for his sermon preparation and delivery? If not, consider adding him to your prayers. He needs it! Then when you arrive Sunday morning, you will get the sermon you have been praying for all week. Unwanted guests here would be prayerlessness and inattentiveness. Every preacher likes a congregation full of people who are engaged and listening, asking questions and reading their Bibles. Don’t be the complainer who says you just aren’t being fed. As my daughter so aptly put it, there is a difference between not being fed and being on a hunger strike.

So now that we have talked about taking responsibility for your half of the communicating, even when you are the needy one, I’d like to address this whole topic of being the needy one.

Sometimes we really have a reason to be down. Sometimes we are struggling through some hard providences, or some difficult people, or we haven’t talked to an adult in 12 days (or just since 7 a.m. which can feel the same). Sometimes we are pregnant and exhausted, or  stretched thin and feeling like quitting. Sometimes you have needs. No wait. Always you have needs. Everyone. All of us. All the time. Your husband too.

As women we like to talk about our feelings – sometimes maybe we feel them more, but often times just because talking about the way we feel is vulnerable, and being vulnerable is intimate. So talking through the problems that you are having is a way to get your husband’s attention. If he engages in the conversation with you about your feelings, you will feel valued. You will feel loved, and that is all as it should be. Talking about how you are feeling and the many nuances thereof can be very encouraging, and it can also be a trap.

Sometimes, possibly when the discussion of how you are feeling has just gone on too long, (or possibly when your husband is himself tired and had a day and the co-workers may have been adults but they acted like children),  your husband might move to action. He might say something like, “OK then, if that is how you feel, let’s get a housecleaner.” And you feel tempted to say, “You don’t love me anymore! You would never imply that I don’t keep the house clean if you knew how hard I was working!” or something equally stupid and unjustified.

Let’s break this down a little. Vulnerability is an important part of marriage. It is a good thing. But it is not the whole thing. Intimacy is not the whole of marriage. Whether that intimacy is physical (like many men default to), or emotional like many women default to, it is not the whole picture. God made us to be companions. There are two parts of marriage – the parts where you face each other, and the parts where you together turn, shoulder to shoulder, and  face the world. There are tasks. There are problems. There are things to do – and doing them alongside each other is the whole point. Being his helper is what you were made for. Those phases of looking into each other’s eyes are wonderful – but they are incomplete without moving on from them.

This is important. It may not seem so terribly important, but it is. When your husband is done talking to you about how you feel, and is instead turning to action, follow him. Be done. Move on. We know how to throw an emotional temper tantrum that can make you both believe that he is not being a good husband. But what about you?  What happened to his companion? Did she get so caught up in herself that she was unable to help him? Did she turn into an accuser? Was she trying to oppress him back into yet another fireside heart to heart?

As women we need to see that when our husbands turn away from diagramming emotional sentences, asking you to come write a story with him, that it is a different kind of intimacy. It is the intimacy of moving on together. The intimacy of being done talking about it, and on to doing it.

I’m certainly not saying that men never sin or fall short in talking with their wives. But the truth is that we do just as often. We fail to follow through on the other half of what we are doing together. We fail to grow in learning how to speak his language – how to befriend him in what he needs.

My granddaughter Lina whipped up this little bouquet for me yesterday while playing in my yard. I love the grass tied in a knot around the little flowers. And I love the little hands that brought it.

In the last post about communication the biggest application that I wanted to make is that even when you are the one who is hurt or needy or upset, you need to take responsibility to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Other people who are around you do not necessarily know what to do with you, and you need to take responsibility to help them. Even if what you are saying is, “Thanks, but I’d rather not talk about that right now. What have you been up to?”

Let’s imagine a scenario in which a woman in the church just had a miscarriage, is struggling with fertility, or maybe isn’t married at all but would like to be.  She could very easily be angry and hurt if no one says anything. She could be angry and hurt if people say something. She could be angry that no one said, “I know how you feel”, and she could be angry if someone said, “I know how you feel.”

This kind of thing is very awkward for the people who would like to show support and love. It can be like the Russian roulette of community living. You try to say the right thing, but instead you will hear three years later through someone else what you did wrong. Part of the problem here is that we tend to think of our interactions as a situation where one person bears the responsibility and the other person receives whatever they have to offer. And often what they have to offer is not the right thing. But Christian living means always loving your neighbor. It means loving them when you are down, and loving them when they are down. We all need to take responsibility for our own half of the communication. If you are struggling with depression, don’t expect that everyone else knows this and is just choosing to ignore it. If you are struggling with wanting a baby, don’t think that every comment about a pregnancy is aimed at you. If you are wanting to be married don’t take it personally when other people are married.

Now here is the real reason that I wanted to bring this up. When you are needy (or mad, or hurt, or sad, or whatever), and someone close to you wants to help, you have an obligation to help them help you. Do unto others, and love your neighbor as yourself. We often use the fact that we are having a hard time to be completely appalling to the person who is trying to help us. You need to communicate with your husband what you need. You need to say, “I don’t think I need a solution right now, I just need a hug and to laugh about it.”  What you do not need to do is perfect your cold-shouldered scowl and hug -shrug.

Now here is the trouble. It is easy to be in your bad mood and feeling completely confident that there is a perfect, obvious, and right thing that that person should have said, yet they completely failed. They are ignoring the clear path to making you feel better and are instead trying to help you with the laundry. They are ignoring the obvious, and messing everything up. But if you prioritize them, and you take the risk of trying to communicate your needs, you will often find out something unfortunate. You cannot tell your husband what you need him to say to you because, Lo, there is nothing that he could say to you that would not annoy you right now. It is often the case that everyone else’s bad communication is actually our own bad attitude. If you try to express what you need, and you find out that you cannot say it yourself, you may have found out whose fault it is.

One of the great side benefits to this is that when you focus on loving the other person, you are laying down your defenses. It is a way of being open to their support and kindness. Often times, when you lay down your defenses you will find that the imperfect and clumsy things that they are saying are actually perfect.

The main theme in this is of course, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Explain to others the things that you would like if they would explain to you. Do not hold other accountable to know what to do with you when you would not know what to do with them.

The important thing to notice about the golden rule in this instance is where the responsibility lies. Do unto others (Matt. 7:12). Essentially, this can mean, “In whatever you are doing, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And note, you are always doing something. Even if you are the one who was just wronged, this applies to you. The verse does not say, “Surround yourself with others who will treat you as you would like to be treated.” There is more than enough room in the word “doing” to encompass all the behaviors of mankind towards one another, on both sides.

Let me give a few examples of some ways that this applies that we might really rather leave out of it:

“Get your feelings hurt by others in the way that you would want their feelings hurt by you.”

“Give the cold shoulder to people in the same way that you would want them giving the cold shoulder to you.”

“Be as demanding of a friend as you would want others to be unto you.”

“Expect as much tact in difficult situations of others as you would want them expecting of you.”

“Read into the motives of others in the same way that you would want them reading into yours.”

“Jump to conclusions about others in the same way that you would want them jumping to conclusions about you.”

I think that the really pivotally important point here is that even when you are the one who feels needy – when it is you who is hurting, when you are the one needing encouragement and everyone else seems to be doing fine – even then, this is your responsibility. Do unto others. Do not use the times when you are clearly the underdog to gather up offenses and file them in the cabinets of your heart. Do not use your situation to shine an unloving spotlight on everyone else. Show them the love that you would want shown to you. Do not replay gaffes in your head – do not add more sneer, more snark, more willful ignorance into their comments. Do unto others.

Some of you have asked from time to time whether the Glory Makers talks from the Grace Agenda Conference last fall are available….well I just noticed today that they are now available at Canon Press.

Has anyone else noticed that while we have been blogging a lot more (hello devotionals), we have been chatting a lot less?  It’s basically like trying to talk while you are on a jog. Not so much lung power leftover. But, in spite of this, we have gone on living a very chatty real life. Full of small news and less than fascinating anecdotes.

Some of the small news that I keep wanting to share falls into the category of hot tips. Things that I have tried at home and found to be a big help. I thought that it would be fun to ask you all to share any of these sorts of things that you discovered in your own homes as well. Since Pinterest is crawling with suggestions like this, I want to limit it to things that you have actually implemented. Things that you can testify to the helpfulness of.

Here’s what I’ve got  in random and unconnected order:

I’ve had this canvas sweater stacker for a long time and never really found it to be super helpful in the closet. Suddenly it occurred to me to pull it out for summer shoes. I printed out initials  and traced them with a sharpie onto the front of each one. Clearly I have the perfect number of children to use this, but even without that happy coincidence, I think this could be useful. I would have been happy to have an extra one for diapers and wipes – since this is by the door in our house.

This is what I was trying to knit in the front yard in that first picture with Shadrach assisting. Teeny tiny dishcloths. I have a theory here, unproven. These are for my kids to use to clean off their faces, elbows, whatever, when I tell them to clean up in the bathroom. Big washcloths lend themselves to serious levels of sloshwashing. My theory is that due to ease of wringing out, these will work for them. Also possible – sloshwashing will takes itself to a new, cuter, and more colorful level. Either way I think I’m ok with it. These are super quick, mindless, and use up the random leftovers I always have from knitting real dishcloths.

This random metal box that I paid too much for at a farm yard sale years ago has been around. But now it is helpfully around. This is in the living room, on a shelf- but inside is where I keep all the hair things for the girls. Brushes, “pretties” as we call hairbands, and even the detangling spray. Many the morning that I do hair while they are at the table eating breakfast. I find hair ties and brushes all over the house, and they all go right into this. For us, it works.

And my last hot tip is to buy extra vegetable peelers, and a lettuce knife. These peelers are not too sharp, but work well. Often times when kids come in wanting to help with dinner, I have them peel potatoes or carrots. When it is one of the littler ones, I have them do it even if we aren’t eating carrots or potatoes for dinner. Both are cheap, peeling is great fun and good practice. I have also put small people at chairs in the kitchen with a funnel, a jar, an ice cube tray, and a little bowl of dried beans with a spoon in it. So long as you are nearby to prevent stuffing it into ears and noses, that is also a ton of fun.

The lettuce knife is serrated plastic – it would be really hard to cut yourself with. We are just starting a rotation of who is on duty to help with dinner, and the greatest thrill of all is cutting up the lettuce for the salad all by yourself. Also – until I got this knife, I always used a disposable plastic knife to cut brownies (and I hear cakes and cheesecakes work too) as it keeps it from clouding up on the knife – it just shoots right through even the most luscious of brownies.

So – I like to think that I have a ton more tips where these came from, but I doubt it. I may have maxed out here. You may have heard all the ideas I have had, ever. But I’d love to hear yours! Share in the comments – you know we can all use a few more hot tips!

“Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible , and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses” (Nehemiah 4:14).

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God” (Psalm 20:7).

Here are two verses in which “remember” is used as a strengthening. Look back on what the Lord has done to give you boldness, to give you courage, and to give you the strength to fight against seemingly impossible odds. Remember that even if the priests of Baal scare you, that they don’t scare God. Remember how God makes a fool of them. Remember how God is the creator. Remember how God is not afraid, and use that to not be afraid yourself.

“Remember his marvelous works that he hath done , his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth” (1 Chronicles 16:12).

“All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee” (Psalm 22:27).

Here  we see remembering being used sort of synonymously with repenting. The world remembering is the world worshiping. The world remembering is the world being right with its creator.

“Having eyes, see ye not? and having ears, hear ye not? and do ye not remember? ” (Mark 8:18).

Here we see that calling people to remember is calling people to repentance. And remembering calls us out of this state of inaction into holiness. Remember what happened, and be holy.

 ”That ye may remember , and do all my commandments, and be holy unto your God”  (Numbers 15:40).

“Remember that Jesus Christ of the seed of David was raised from the dead according to my gospel” (2 Timothy 2:8).

This kind of remembering is not just an intellectual pursuit. God is not telling us to simply know something. We are to act on that knowledge. Because remembering is keeping something in your mind. It is a continuous activity.

The following passages are examples of asking God to not remember our sins, but instead remember His promise to us.

“Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness’ sake, O LORD”  (Psalm 25:7).

“Do not abhor us, for thy name’s sake, do not disgrace the throne of thy glory: remember, break not thy covenant with us” (Jeremiah 14:21).

And here we have an example of God promising just that:

 ”For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more” (Hebrews 8:12).