Recently there was a great little post about 5 questions husbands should ask their wives. Good questions.
Of course I starting thinking about what kind of questions we wives should ask our husbands, but more than that, I immediately thought of questions we should not ask them. Here are five questions a wife should never, in my opinion anyway, ask her husband. (And if you already have, I hope you just laugh at yourself now that I bring it up and not get mad at me.)
#1 Do you think I am fat?
What a terrible question! You should figure out the answer yourself by looking in the mirror or checking the scale, because if he says, ” Yes, dear, you are a little pudgy,” he’s automatically in the doghouse. How insensitive! If he says,”No” (like a good husband should), he may still be in trouble if you think he might be fudging. Other questions in this category include, “Do I look old? Am I ugly?” Ugly? No. Stupid? Yes.
#2 Do you think Susie (or Sandy or Sally) is attractive?
If he says, “Yes, she’s gorgeous,” then what? Most of the time the next question is, “Do you think she’s prettier than I am?” Now we have gone from bad to worse! Now he’s in an impossible situation, and you are being way too self-absorbed. But if he hems and haws (“Well, I’m not really sure. She’s kind of pretty I think…”) then you’ll be tempted to think he’s not being honest. What possible good can come from having this conversation?
#3 Do you think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, to you?
This is connected to question #2 above. Really? Seriously? Do husbands have to think their wives are more beautiful than any other woman? I don’t think so. And if you are really thinking of asking this, you are way, way too self-absorbed. A good husband should point this out.
#4 Did you miss me today?
“Ummmmm….” I am betting that, quite honestly, he did not miss you. But it does not follow that therefore he does not love you. This kind of question just sets him up to look bad. What a jerk. He didn’t miss his wife. Not once all day. The truth is that he probably didn’t have time to miss you, and he knew he would see you after work.
#5 If I die, will you marry again?
Yikes! Some wives not only ask this question, they make helpful suggestions. “Barbara would make a good wife. Why don’t you marry her if I die?” If, in God’s providence, you die before your husband, it is not your business to set him up with wife #2. I can see asking him to marry someone who will be nice to your kids. But beyond that, let him sort it out with God. He doesn’t need your help. It just is weird.
Okay, so what would be some good questions to ask your husband? Try these out for size. But remember, you asked. So prepare yourself not to react to any answers. Receive them graciously and thankfully.
1. How can I pray for you today? (This one is stolen right off of the above list I linked to.)
2. What’s your favorite thing about coming home?
3. What’s one thing I could help you with that would lighten your load?
4. Can you remember anything you’ve asked me to do that I have not done?
5. What would be your ideal day off?
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Good post! It’s not profound, but it does address most feminine insecurities that should be resolved with the Lord and not with a husband. That’s not to say that he shouldn’t ever miss his wife, or look at her with eyes that only a husband can have for his wife…but she shouldn’t take her insecurities out on him. Build him up instead of trying to build your self up in the wrong ways! :o)
I think a couple of these questions could be asked by a normal wife to a normal husband, no problem: “Hey, babe, do these pants make my backside look abnormally rotund? Or am I just crazy?” or “Man, isn’t Michelle Dockery a stunner in Downton Abbey?” or whatever. The biggest problem with the first two isn’t the questions themselves, IMO, but the “GOTCHA” attitude implied when the Stereotypical TV Housewife asks them. Women should never play that game with their husbands.
I agree with a previous commenter that some of these are not necessarily bad questions (mostly the hey do these pants make my butt look big variety. My husband has definitely helped me figure out why a certain ensemble was not as flattering as it could be an I appreciated the help!). It sounds like what we need to watch is our hearts. Do we ask questions as an underhanded way of getting our men in trouble? Or are we asking questions our of genuine love and a concern for holiness. If the second, there are tons of questions we might be tempted to ask that we should keep to ourselves.
Good post and a helpful reminder : )
I love this post! I think I have asked my husband all of these questions, and I am definitely too self-absorbed. How to fix that? Is it okay to tell my husband that I think another man is attractive? I wouldn’t mind if he told me that another woman was a good cook or housekeeper or mother or something, but if he told me another woman was attractive…I wouldn’t be okay with that.
Oh my goodness! These are hilarious! I was trying to figure out what questions wouldn’t be allowed. I was afraid you were going to say, “Honey, could you take the trash out?” But these are no-brainers. 🙂
This made me laugh! 🙂
This is so good! Thank you, Mrs. Wilson!
I just read these to my husband, and he said, “I think you ask all those on a regular basis”. We had a good laugh together, but I think you’re right. Don’t ask “fishing” questions. 🙂
That was hilarious! Lovely light hearted post.
I think I must have an exceptional husband because it’s never ever occurred to me to ask those questions! Thanks for making me feel extra grateful today – I went and thanked him for being so affirming and loving.
That’s great! We are all guilty of incriminating our husbands with our insecure ideas of self! I always find it funny when listening in on a man’s conversation that they don’t mind sharing their weight with each other~ and yet, we would NEVER do that! But we will still ask our husband in private if we look fat?! We MUST be insane!
Wow! Yes, take it from my experience, these conversations do not end well. I think I spent a good bit of the first few years of our marriage asking these questions (and other lovely ones such as, “Would you still love me if I murdered our (fictional) children?”). So unfair to my loving husband! His brutal honesty is one of the things I love about him, so you’d think I’d be even more avoidant of these conversations. Sometimes I need a genuine opinion about how clothes are fitting, but then he pointed out that I only ever ask him when I’m already feeling unsure… I never ask when I know I have a great outfit. Sets him up unfairly! Thanks for the reminder that these questions are a reflection of my self-absorption!
My wife Holly once asked me if I thought her best friend Bonnie was pretty, and I laughed. I told her that were she any other girl, there would be no right answer: either I thought her friends were ugly, or I thought other girls were pretty, but it wasn’t any other girl. So I said yes, she was pretty, and she had particularly pretty hair. Holly then proceeded to ask me if I thought I could marry Bonnie when she died, and I don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure I must have answered with an appalled negative. Holly then said “Good. She doesn’t flirt enough. And when we get our forever home, I want lillies and a pond and a weeping willow that drapes its leaves into the pond.”
It was definitely a memorable conversation.
Do wives *seriously* ask their husbands these questions??!
Every day my husband comes home, I ask him one question: ‘How were things today?’ … because I know that sometimes he has to get ‘stuff’ from the day off his chest.
I’d like to offer a slight push back.
If a wife is asking her husband these questions out of an insecure place, then the conversation probably won’t end well.
But if, for example, a wife can ask her husband if “she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, to him” from a place of security, I don’t think it’s self-absorbed. I believe most wives want to know that their husbands delight in them.
I’ve asked my husband this question, and logically, I know that if I was lined up with all the women in the world, I would probably NOT make the top ten, but do women really ask this question from a logical viewpoint? And if not, is that necessarily bad? In my opinion the world could stand to have a few more people that are able to navigate the world of emotion in security. I don’t expect my husband to tell me that I’d be in the top ten, I just want to hear that I, above any other woman and second to Jesus, have his heart.
Maybe a healthier way to express this need would be, “I’ve been covered in snot and spit up most of the day and I know you think I’m beautiful, but it would do my heart good to hear it from you,” …but it takes awhile to learn the art of communication in marriage.
I’ll be the first to admit it’s hard to ask for affirmation and then still take it as sincere, but one day I realized that my poor husband can’t read my mind (or heart). I married a pretty sensitive guy, but he’s still a guy. There are days he comes home (from a busy day where his mind was full of other things) and doesn’t pick up that my “affirmation tank” is a little low.
I know this post was probably meant to be humorous, but it hit close to areas my husband and I have walked (and praise God have been able to figure out!) in our marriage. My concern, as someone who has been there, is that someone may read this and feel guilty, or shame, that they desire to know these things from their husband.
Just as husbands need to be given a lot of grace as they learn how to love their wives, maybe wives need to be given grace as they learn how to accept love from their husbands?
Good stuff, thanks for thinking through things from a man’s perspective!
This article made me chuckle. One time, early in our marriage, my husband and I were out for a walk, and I saw a girl across the street who I thought was quite fat. Feeling a little insecure about my own recent weight gain, I asked him, “Am I as big as she is?” After a too-long moment of hesitation, he said, “Well, you’re prettier!” I never asked any such questions again!!:)
As a husband, I don’t mind some of these questions… though I do admit the difficult place in which they would place me in some cases. As my relationship with my wife has developed over the years (and as I’ve worked really hard to learn to love her well as I should)she’s not only had less occasion to ask such questions, but also less need. I love watching both of us grow up.
This made me thankful for my dear husband. He told me early in our marriage that I was not to complain about how I looked. If I was unhappy with it and wanted to do something about it, he would be glad to give support. Other than that, he said, he would not tolerate rude comments about his wife, not even from me! What a blessing to be his wife.
Re: #5, I agree, it’s not a good question to ask, especially if you *have* to ask it. But IMO in a healthy relationship, (like some of the others) this will have come up without a “gotcha” question prompting it. My husband knows that if I were to die, I would encourage him to marry again if he felt so inclined, and if there were still children at home, to do so with “all deliberate speed.” (In fact it’s a joke between us that in that event, he’d take out an ad in a Reformed publication.)
Like most or all of the others, the problem with the question is not in its literal meaning, but in the position it places a husband in, if the matter has not come up before and been discussed in a mature fashion. In a relationship where the wife is secure that her husband’s love is not tied to the variations in her physical appearance, a question can be fairly asked and answered about whether a particular garment, hairstyle, whatever, is flattering to her or pleasing to him. But if the question is asked out of an insecure need for affirmation, it’s not good, because it’s no-win.
The issue of what might happen if one of us passed away has come up once or twice in 39 years. It’s not a big deal, and we both recognize that we don’t really know how we would feel 2 or 5 or 10 years after losing a spouse. We’re so old now it’s probably too late for both of us 🙂 We would still have the grandchildren, though!
I have to say I ask my hubby questions about my appearance because I like to have a second opinion but I try to phrase it in a way that he can answer honestly without being in the doghouse! E.g. are these pants flattering or should I go with this other pair. And I have asked him if he would remarry if I die. Both of us have lost parents and I want him to know that it is okay if he does. The thought of suggesting another woman sounds too far, if it does happen, I don’t want to know who! I am also aware that if I ask him if I am the prettiest woman alive that he won’t give me an honest answer. Or love is really really blind. i love that about him.
“5. What would be your ideal day off?”
Really? Another one that some men will feel compelled to respond with something that includes his wife. Truth is that some men may just want to be left alone all day in their “man cave” away from the day-to-day.
All these questions are asking the same thing: “Do you love me?”
Mr. Religion,
Ha! I see what you mean. Could be risky. Maybe we could reword it to say, “What would be a fun thing you’d like to do on a day off that you don’t get to do very often?” And then the well-meaning wife could suggest a few things like, “Catch gators? play some basketball with the boys? go fly fishing?”
While I totally get your point in this list, I have to disagree a bit.
I fleshed all this stuff out with my husband in the early years of our marriage. Were the conversations always lovely & without risk of drama? Certainly not!! But, it was good for me to bring my insecurities to him & work through them together. He learned about my soft spots. And over the years he has been able to help me grow in them. I learned that although he thinks I am beautiful, that goes more than skin deep. He does not wish to be married to the most beautiful woman. He married me, because I am the one he wanted to love & enjoy for the rest of his life.
Because we have worked on all this, my confidence in his love has grown by leaps and bounds. And he did help me see my own vanity in wishing to be named among the loveliest ladies on planet earth. He helped me see that he values me for so much more than the fleeting beauty of youth.
Now? It is okay that he and I both know that I have a pudgy stomach. I don’t get wigged out about my cellulite. We can chat about beautiful people we know or see and not feel threatened. I understand that him having time to himself is for his good & therefore my good, and his love has not grown cold because he desires privacy.
As strange and weird as it may sound, we have even had conversations about second marriages, after the death of a spouse. We have talked about it because it has happened around us. We talk about it because we see it turn out to be a good thing for people. And we also see it appear as a downward fall for some. (We’ve never suggested potential spouses for each other though. Hmmmm…. That’s a tough one! Ha!)
That to say, I think it would be sad for a wife to have insecurities and be afraid to bring them up with her husband. Holding inside pain (even when it is based on ridiculous anxieties) is not helpful to their union.
So, I would say, if you are really upset about something, you probably should bring it up. But, NOT in an accusatory manner.
Erin, I think the difference is that it sounds like you talked about your insecurities in order to work through them, whereas Nancy’s hypothetical question-asker is, however unintentionally, tripping up her husband with her insecurities. There’s a way for a wife to bring up issues that enables her husband to help her with them and a way to bring them up that sets him up to exacerbate them.
Also, I think when you say, “I understand that him having time to himself is for his good & therefore my good, and his love has not grown cold because he desires privacy,” that’s in response to Nancy’s reply to Mr. Religion, in which case, I think you’re misreading her. When she says, “Could be risky,” she’s replying to the bit about the husband’s feeling obligated to do something with the wife, not to the bit about the husband’s wanting some alone time.
Oh my this took me back to my earliest days and years or marriage, and horrified me to think that I asked a few of these questions which lead to some of the fighting you said it would 😉 ah the good old days!! 😉 I’m so glad that God has brought us through many a stupid question!!
Haha! I just went back to read the questions and yes I do recall asking every one of those questions at leaste once- probubly within the first few years!! It’s a wonder we have lasted this long!! A verse I like to keep in the back of my mind is “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry”.
Doug, did you hack into Nancy’s blog and post this?
🙂
Here’s a hilarious take on question #5.
I’m with Erin and Christina on this post.
If a wife is struggling with insecurities, who better to gain affirmation from, than her husband? If you continually war against feelings of insecurity, the two people you need to run to are the Lord and your husband. The lines of communication will be much improved when the wife tells her husband she needs his words and actions of affirmation.
When the questions are asked in a negative or entrapping manner, there will, inevitably, be a heated or shouted discussion. Through that discussion, however, much healing can be accomplished. Sin can be confessed and then the husband has better insight on how to pray for and love his wife.
As Christians, we are still very far from perfect. We still battle our flesh and have to live in this world. As a plus-sized woman, I constantly hear that I’m too fat/ugly/unattractive and it gets overwhelming. Who better than my husband to remind me that I am made in God’s image and that I’m beautiful in his and God’s eyes?
Instead of condemning or making light/fun of us women who are insecure, pray for us. Be the fellow believer that comes along side of us, encouraging and building us up.
Well said! I know I have (stupidly) asked these questions before, and of course my husband answered very properly so there wasn’t a fight 🙂 In addition, I remember reading one time that a wife also shouldn’t say things like “I feel fat” or “I don’t feel sexy” etc to her husband because then it just makes him look at those insecurities you have about yourself instead of looking at you as the beautiful woman he fell in love with. Just smile and kiss him with love when he comes home and that makes you beautiful! I have had to remind myself of that more than once too…
I am a just recently married 17 year-old girl…and that was a great post! As a young teenage girl, as you could imagine, those are questions that could easily slip into a conversation…or make one. 😉 That post was very enlightening! Thanks so much for that wonderful wisdom. I am loving this blog, and loving reading through your posts and discussions. Loving the christ-centered advice. Thanks, again Nancy!
I don’t think you should ask your husband if he will remarry if you die, but you really should tell him how you feel about the possibility. My baby sister, who seemed to be the healthiest person you’ve ever known, died rather suddenly 6 months ago. Amy was still breastfeeding her 5th child. One of the first things Matt said after she passed was that he had no idea how to move forward, because they never discussed the possibility because they were so sure she was going to beat the cancer. I’m sure he wasn’t thinking at that moment about remarriage, but more likely how to take care of the kids, funeral and burial stuff, but I know in the subsequent months he has wondered if he had her “permission” to remarry. I know she would want someone there to love her kids. I sure hope she is able to help him in the choice of a wife to be there for him and the kids.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Finally someone gets it!
Thank you for his delightful article. It is interesting how we as woman are so concerned with how our mates see us externally. Our looks change through the years. We can’t change that, it is life. So the real core to all relationships is communication and honesty.
It is good to be open minded and keep your pride in check. Every person is beautiful, and we all like being told we look good. But we should never compare ourselves with others. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
The questions listed are really good communication tools. And I do agree that couples should talk about marriage after someone passes. It is like giving permission to fall in love again. If a couple is a really great pair the person remaining feels an obligation of loyalty to stay loyal to their love for them. But life doesn’t work that way. I don’t agree with finding them a new mate. Healing has to happen and a new relationship only when they are ready. Otherwise it would be too mechanical, not true love.
The more open the communication is and presented in the right way, the more likely your relationship will be successful.
I don’t see anything wrong with number 4, but the others are definitely not things wives should be asking!