Recently I asked a room full of college-aged women how many of them would describe themselves as indecisive, and a good majority of them raised their hands. Whether it is choosing an item from a menu, picking what to wear, or choosing a film to watch, many women have trouble making a decision. And if a woman has trouble with the little questions, imagine the quagmire she can get into when it comes to big questions, like whether to move, which college to attend, which job to take, or whether to say yes to the nice young man who is interested in her.

Indecision is simply a manifestation of insecurity, and women like to feel secure. Women want approval and affirmation, and they worry that their decision may be wrong, like getting the incorrect answer on a test. Woman was created to be covered and protected, and when she is the all alone, bearing the responsibility of all her own decisions, she can feel very vulnerable and unsure of herself. This means faith is necessary, faith that God will guide, direct, protect, and oversee everything. That is one reason why good doctrine is a sweet comfort.  Read More

One of the big blessings of courtship versus recreational dating is that the two people involved view the whole process as something serious. But it still isn’t simple. It is still a mystery how it all works. Wise Solomon himself said there were three things (even four) that he couldn’t understand, and one of those was the way a man behaves when he goes a courtin’. But even if it is puzzling, a young woman can benefit by remembering her grammar lessons of old.

First of all, it is the man who is doing the courting. The woman in question is just minding her own business when along comes a man who wants to court her. She is the direct object here, not the subject. (John is courting Sue. Sue is not courting John.) The woman is being courted. His purpose is to win her, and by agreeing to enter into a courtship, she is saying in so many words that she is willing to receive his attentions. She is agreeing to let him try to win her. Whether or not he will succeed still remains to be seen.

So, a woman does not need to describe her own condition as one of “courting.” She is being courted; she has a suitor. If she finds him to her liking, she may be pleased that he is continuing to show her attention. But if she does not, it is no shame for her to end the courtship. That is her prerogative. At the same time, she should not view his attentions as simply a recreational activity. He has stuck his neck out, and she should honor him for doing so.

You may wonder why I am fussing over such a grammatical error, but I think it is a significant one. If a woman believes that she has to have the same level of commitment entering into a courtship that the man does, she is bound to feel a little worried. He has obviously been thinking about this, praying about it, and then goes and sticks his neck out by asking. It may or may not have ever occurred to her to be interested in him. So it may take her a bit to get up to speed. She may know from the getgo that she is not nor can she be interested. Or, she may think he is worth considering. She does not need to know that she will marry him in order to agree to a courtship. All she needs to know is that she likes him well enough to receive his attentions.

I know I’ve jumped up and down on this many times before in many contexts, but it is still true: marry a man you respect. It is easy to fall in love. That presents no difficulties at all. But wait. What kind of man is this? Are you sure you look up to him, admire him, appreciate him and feel confident you could follow him without wanting to grab the reins away from him?  Not just any man is respectable, and no woman wants to find out the hard way, but many do. Falling in love is not all that is necessary, though it is nice. And by all means, fall in love with the man you marry. But respect him first.

One of the best things that parents can do for their children is to teach them to have clear standards so they can navigate once they are away from home or out on their own. Standards are simply moral guidelines, a set of principles, boundaries that you don’t cross, a fence of protection. Young men and women need to have standards so they are not caught unprepared by the circumstances around them.

Parents may have standards for their daughters when they are living at home, things like curfew, dating or not dating, movies, music, etc. But these have to be internalized in order for them to do any real long-lasting good.

Titus 2:11-12 says, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age…” I like the way the NIV renders this passage. It’s something like “teaching us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly lusts…”

Young women in particular need very much to learn to say, “No.” It does not come naturally to most young women because they are usually way too worried about hurting feelings or being rude. Somewhere along the way, women developed a fear of being rude, even if it means being on the receiving end of quite a bit of rude conduct from men. It may start out innocently enough. For Read More

You might answer, “I’m not looking for a man!” But let’s be honest about this. Of course you are looking for a man, and there is not one thing wrong with that. The wrong would be for you to flat out deny it. Now I don’t think it is godly or healthy or wise to be obsessed with watching out for the right man to show up. But it is only natural for a woman who wants to be married to have her eyes open. The important thing is to know what kind of man you are looking for and to keep from being tricked into thinking you have found him when you haven’t.

Because of loneliness women are tempted to respond to the wrong kind of man. And as I have said before, there is one thing worse than being unmarried (actually there are lots of things), and that is being married to the wrong man. I have talked with many miserable married women over the years, and I sometimes ask them, “Why did you marry him?” Sometimes they saw him as a ticket out of their hard circumstances, but in reality he was a ticket to newer and harder circumstances. Marrying someone for the wrong reason will never lead to long-term happiness.

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When I was fresh out of college and a relatively new Christian, I spent the summer working at a presbyterian church with the youth ministry. I had a lot of respect for the pastor and his wife, and it was a profitable summer in many ways. One of the leaders of the team was an unmarried man a few years older than I was, and though he was fine to work with, I had no interest in him beyond that. One day the pastor took me aside and asked me what my ideal man was like. I was very much surprised by the question and gave a vague answer. He asked me if my ideal man was tall? Yes, I assumed he would be tall. But what if God wanted me to marry a short man, the pastor asked me. All this was of course leading up to the question about this particular unmarried man who was quite a bit shorter than I. I cringed. Would God want me to marry this man? Yikes, I thought. And there was far more involved in Read More