Let’s be honest: courtship is fraught with perils. No two scenarios are the same. Some of the rockiest courtships end up being stable, happy marriages, while some young women who are determined to get married at the first opportunity find themselves at loose ends after the wedding. Now what? This road is full of twists and turns for some couples, while for others, it is a smooth four-lane highway. Who can understand these things?

In this little post I’m not undertaking to explore all the things that can go wrong in a courtship. I’m simply going to make a few observations here about one kind of woman, and that’s the woman who wants to be married, but doesn’t really. When a fine young man shows an interest in this kind of woman, she finds all sorts of things to be roadblocks. And so she either says no, or it ends up being one of those rocky courtships that starts and stops and starts and stops, etc.

As I said above, who can understand these things?  But here are a couple of thoughts about what might be going on in her head.

1. Wanting to be married is more desirable than actually being married. In the wanting, a woman can sketch out any number of delightful scenes in her mind. But in reality, he doesn’t wear knee-high riding boots and own a large estate. So she recoils from the thought of marrying him.

2. Marriage requires a kind of death. Though this is required for both husband and wife, the wife dies in a unique way. She takes a new name, and she has a new calling. This is what scares some women off, despite their desire for marriage and children. Read More

When I was unmarried and out of college, I went to lunch with my future mother-in-law Bessie Wilson. She had been a missionary in Japan, and married Jim when she was thirty-two (he was twenty-four). I asked her whether I should be preparing to go to the mission field. I remember her wisely suggesting that I stay where I was. In fact, she told me not to rule out marriage (which is still our little joke).  And though I had not ruled out marriage, I didn’t want to just be sitting around waiting.

Many women ask me about the wisdom of pursuing a career since they don’t see marriage in the immediate future. Maybe you can go to lunch with someone like Bessie to help you sort it out. Meanwhile, let me suggest a few general principles to help you think about your options.

First of all, what are your gifts, opportunities, and desires? If you have a desire to pursue nursing, and you have the opportunity, then by all means go through the door that the Lord seems to be opening for you. If you can do this without putting yourself behind the eight-ball Read More

It is clear that when two people get married, each and every story is going to be different. As much as we would like to find the button to push or the formula to plug, the whole thing is a mystery, from start to finish. You can see why some cultures and some eras just let the dads settle things by arranging marriages. Makes me shudder! But I know that God can and does use all kinds of means to bring about good ends. I once knew a couple from India who met on their wedding day, and they were very happily married. Even so, not a practice I want to recommend.

But for all you unmarried women out there reading this, especially those of you who do not fit into the “early” category, these posts on early marriage can just be aggravating. I can see why. So here are some suggestions for you in the hope that you do not lose heart.

First off. Marriage is a means, not an end. It is not the only means of glorifying God, but it is one of the common means. But He has other means. So glorify God where you are, in what ever state you are in. That is a tall order and requires diligence. Coasting always Read More

This seems to be the week of college graduations nation-wide. So many young men and women have received the applause and the diploma and now they are entering the world on the other side of school. Hip, hip, hooray for them! But I know that it can be a little (or a lot) bit unnerving, especially for young women who are not entirely sure what will come next. Should they stay in the old college town and look for a job or go home and move back in with Mom and Dad? Is Mr. Right going to make the move or is he someone else’s Mr. Right after all? These questions bring with them lots of uncertainty and more questions.

I wish all young women at this point could have the benefit of the kind of advice I received from my future father-in-law. He sidled into the little Christian bookstore on the campus where I was volunteering, and he asked me what I was going to do when I graduated. Hmmmm. Good question. I was dusting around for a job that would involve travel. So he told me, quite emphatically, that I had three choices. (Nice.) First, he said, I could teach. No, I told him, I did not want to teach. In fact, I had steadfastly avoided taking any ed courses. Okay, he said, my second choice was  marriage. Thanks, but no one on the horizon. Third, then, he told me I could go on InterVarsity staff. So, to make a longer story short, that is what I did. As I look back on this little chat, I see now what a comfort it was to have someone older and wiser give me some direction. It was very kind of him, and Read More

So you want to be in a courtship, but there is no one around who is interesting and/or interested. What can be done about this? If I had the answer to that question, and if I could sell it in a package, I would be rich. (Which is why dating services are big business.)

Though I can’t offer such a product, I can offer a few suggestions which I hope will be helpful to you. The first thing is to keep your perspective on marriage realistic and biblical. In your thinking, do not let marriage become an end rather than a means. Marriage is a means of glorifying God, not an end in itself. Determine to use your unmarried state as a means of glorifying God as well, and don’t allow marriage to become something other than what it is in the created order. In other words, don’t let it become an idol, something that has way too much importance to you, so that you believe you are only half a person or that you are being held back spiritually because of your unmarried state. This is another way Read More

I know, no one asked for this, but spring is in the air and courtships are blossoming all around. So, here’s a little motherly advice for the young ladies. Two things. And I’ll keep them brief.

One: Don’t be too easily impressed. Make sure you admire this man’s character. It’s not enough to think he is handsome and charming. Is he a man of integrity? Is he a man after God’s own heart?

Two: Guard your heart. Some courtships advance all the way to the altar. Some don’t. Keep your heart at the same level as the commitment. Don’t let your heart race ahead.